This blog is about a recent situation in which I was fully conscious, present, and aware of specific feelings. This happens frequently for me, because today I choose to live in my truth, but even so, this was so powerful and affected me so deeply that I wanted to share my experience.
I went to a dance I attend regularly, and it’s a close knit community of people who know each other well. About halfway through the dance, a couple walked in, still dressed in their wedding attire, because they had just come from their own wedding reception. At the end of the dance, the band played a waltz as they always do and the wedding couple was invited to come on the floor and take the first turn by themselves as the rest of us stood at the edges watching and applauding. It was such a sweet and romantic moment.
Watching these two glide through the first part of the waltz so beautifully together, I was feeling so many feelings. First was a thought which is that I’m a romantic and moments in time like this are so precious to me. The second and even more powerful was a feeling of sadness, lonely and yearning. I’ve written about these feelings before and doubtless will again. It’s all part of the whole remaining single thing. Even though I’m single my entire adult life as in never married, that doesn’t mean I have ever stopped hoping, wishing, wanting and waiting for that special romantic partner to be in my life, to share my life, to witness my life to whom my life would matter.
Thankfully I already have people in my life to whom I matter. I have people who I know care for me and would do for me if I am ever in need of help. I have a support network around me to do things with, to hear me, to understand and validate me. And yet there is still that one relationship that enhances a life in a different way, the romantic partner who is a different kind of witness from the others mentioned here.
What is it that makes me continue to yearn for this one special person? Hard to say. Most of the time I like my life the way it is. I like living by myself, which I’ve been doing since I was 26 years old. I like my work. I like coming home from my work day to my own house and not needing to think about who else might be there and what he might be doing. I like making plans for the weekends based on my schedule only, not needing to include anyone else in that planning process. I like my alone time, my private time, my quiet time. All of these years on my own have given me the opportunity to be comfortable and content with myself, to be at peace with the knowledge that it might just be me day in and day out.
And yet when I experienced that moment I realized I was not fully at peace. When those yearning feelings came up for me, I recognized how much I still wonder about that possibility; that perhaps somewhere there is a romantic someone for me who might still find his way into my life. I know also it needs to be the right romantic someone. It’s not just about any man. And while I don’t have a checklist because I know better than to work that way, I do have the firm belief and commitment to myself that I won’t settle just to be with any someone. Once again, as I have said many times before and will say many times again, it’s a longer wait when it’s not about settling. When it’s about the special things I know I need, want, and deserve, it’s going to come whenever that’s meant to happen and I don’t have control over any part of that process. All I need to remember to do is live my life that I already enjoy. I choose to be grateful for the opportunity of sharing that moment in time. I choose to be grateful for the feelings of sadness and loneliness and yearning for that special romance that is like no other. My life is already full, complete, meaningful and valuable. I know my worth in the world and the gifts I bring to the time I’m spending here on earth. And yet, and yet………When I choose to trust the process of believing in a larger plan , then I know more will be revealed.