Thursday, March 28, 2024 09:59

Remaining Single: Finding the Place Called Home

In the movie “Country Strong,” Gwyneth Paltrow sings a song called “Coming Home.”  The following lyrics from that song resonate with me because they describe my feeling about what home means:

It’s a four letter word, a place you go to heal the hurt.
It’s an alter, it’s a shelter, one place you’re always welcome.
Pink flamingo double wide, one bedroom in a high rise
A mansion on a hill, where the memories always will
keep you company whenever you’re alone.
After all of my running, I’m finally coming home.

I grew up on the East Coast.  Born in Virginia, raised in Pennsylvania in a college town near Philadelphia.  First year of college in North Carolina, left there and came back to Pennsylvania to finish college in Philadelphia at an Ivy League school.  Then off to live in New York for a year, then back to Pennsylvania again, where I lived in various places in and around Philadelphia until February 2011, when I made the move that changed my life irrevocably.

In February 2011, I moved to the Denver Colorado area, and for me, it felt like coming home, just as written in the lyrics above.  I  learned to ski in Colorado in 1997, another lifelong dream fulfilled.  Ever since then I came out West at least once a year for a ski week.  Along with that, I began to spend more time in Western states for other reasons – traveling, speaking at conferences, doing continuing education workshops with some vacation time thrown in.  And every time I had to get back on the plane to go back East, I was increasingly reluctant to go back.  For me, being in the Western states always felt like a better fit.

No matter where I lived, nor whom I was friendly with or romantically involved with, on the East Coast I never felt like I belonged, like I fit in, like I was a part of something.  It’s not just because I got picked on all through school, or because I didn’t have many friends growing up.  It was more than that.  It was a feeling that I couldn’t quite describe and I only began to understand it after moving to Colorado.  When I made the decision to move to Colorado, it was very ‘meant to be’ driven.  I remember I was walking in a state park near my house in Pennsylvania and I was by myself.  It was July of 2010.  I rounded a curve by a cornfield and it was at that moment that I knew it was time to begin the journey that would bring me to Colorado in February 2011.  Simple as that, though I know the decision was much longer in the making, lurking deep beneath the surface of my conscious mind.

Years ago I knew I wanted a career that was portable, something I could do anywhere, and that I wanted to work for myself.  At the time back then, I was still thinking in terms of a romantic partner, a potential husband whose job or residence might be elsewhere and that would be my motivation for moving to another place.  As it turns out, there were discussions of relocation with a couple of my past boyfriends, but I realized a move driven by their aspirations would not be a move for me.  It would be about them, and that didn’t work for me.  Those relationships didn’t work out for good reasons.  I know some of the reasons have to do with me being focused on what I needed for myself, and relocating became something I was meant to do on my own.

It’s the same as the decision I made in 2004 to work for myself.  I was so over having bosses who micro managed, or who were threatened by me, or who were power hungry, or who got their jobs by means other than their merit.  That decision was long in the making underneath the surface but in the moment when it occurred, it was an easy one to make, and the transition happened quickly and fairly smoothly.

With the move to Colorado, from the defining moment on that walk in the state park, the wheels were set in motion, and there was no doubt or fear or indecision.  It became the next right thing for me, and it happened swiftly and unfolded positively.  That’s not to say I didn’t experience some glitches along the way, but that’s expected.  At the end of the day, the boxes arrived, things were unpacked, the house was set up, the office was furnished, the paperwork got completed so I could begin work.  Those things were all basic and uneventful for the most part.

It’s the larger sense of belonging that I found by moving to Colorado that still overwhelms me.  It’s the way in which I was made to feel so welcome, something I had never known before.  It’s the people I have met, each with a story to tell about their own journey to Colorado, since so many folks here are transplants.  That’s one of my favorite things about Colorado by the way.  It’s the way in which I found a voice and a purpose in a number of communities in which I participate, some work focused, others centered around my favorite activities – skiing, hiking, dancing.  To be received with such positive energy and appreciation is something I never knew on the East Coast.  Quite a refreshing change, as you can imagine.

Years ago, I heard therapist and author Ann Smith speak at a continuing education conference.  She told a story about having found a lasting romance after years of looking.  The irony was that the romance came into her life only after she purchased a very large home with more bedrooms than she could ever use as a single woman.  But she felt right about the decision to purchase that large house and not long afterwards met a man who had children living with him.  Guess she was meant to own that house after all.

With making the move to Colorado it was without any thought except being drawn to the place, knowing that to go there would create a positive change in my life.  It wasn’t because I knew anyone in Colorado because I knew nobody there.  I made the journey for myself as I was meant to do, and along the way realized the vision of the home I wanted was becoming known to me.  By coming to Colorado, the vision became the reality, and I am finally home.

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