Thursday, March 28, 2024 20:00

Remaining Single: Facing and Embracing My Shadow Self

I come from lots of strong willed people on both sides of my family tree.  There are bullies, bossy folks, opinion givers (especially negative opinions), controllers, and manipulators. Growing up with such influences it’s no wonder that I inherited all of those traits and see them in myself.  I’ve been spending time thinking about this in my professional and personal life and realize the above traits are part of  my ‘shadow self.’  Some people call it a ‘dark side,’ but I think of that as more negative than it needs to be.  To me, a shadow self says the same thing and also indicates acceptance of that part of ourselves.  Let’s face the truth – we can’t always be sweetness and light.  On any given day, the shadow self might come along to remind me that I am allowed not to be all loving, all knowing, all caring.  And I am also reminded that I don’t have to like everyone.  I have no intention of trying to be perfect.  I already know I have flaws.  I’m a work in progress and that continues daily.

Throughout my entire life I have encountered a number of people in my professional and personal life  who display all of the above traits and then some.  As irritating and hurtful as it is to encounter these people, I also see these encounters as helpful because I’m quite sure I’ve done and said the same things with others in my life.  So perhaps I am sent these encounters to remind me to continue my awareness of myself, to continue examining myself and work on correcting the character defects.  As I said, I know I’ll never completely be rid of every flaw in my character and personality, but at least I can be watchful.  I believe the encounters I’ve had with these other folks throughout my life have been reminders to face and embrace my shadow self.

James Arthur Baldwin is quoted as saying “The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.” I did my own work with therapists off and on for many years, and while it was hard to be on the other side of the couch, so to speak, I’m glad to have had those experiences in my past.  I had emotional pain, I went to talk about those feelings with a professional, and that was helpful.  Many times I walked out of the therapist’s office feeling so defeated and sad and worked up.  Looking back now I know this was part of the therapeutic process.  And if ever I come up against an emotional roadblock again which is beyond my scope to figure out on my own, I will not hesitate to find a therapist to work with again.

I am reminded of my own work when patients lash back at me during a session or choose to resist their own changes because change is scary and uncomfortable.  I’m certain I lashed out at most if not all of my prior therapists when I was in my therapeutic process.  How do we become so defended about behaviors which are harmful and which we know are harmful?  It’s because of the shadow selves within each of us and all of us. I am reminded of my own shadow self when I see others doing or saying things that could be more hurtful than they realize.  I keep my observations to myself when these situations occur, but I take them as a cautionary tale, in other words how I don’t want to be toward others.

I know that most of the time the behaviors of my shadow self are indicators that I’m having some feelings that are hard to face – angry, sad, lonely, scared.  If I’m feeling rejected, or unwelcome, or unworthy, or unloved, or outcast, the shadow self can come up.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as not being included in a group, or not being asked along to a certain activity.  I become fearful that I don’t really have any friends when I’m not included in certain activities.  Then I feel all of the other feelings – angry, lonely, sad, abandoned, rejected.  Those feelings really hurt and I know they can cause the acting out behaviors mentioned above that are part of my shadow self.

How can I make sure that I don’t indulge the shadow self behaviors?  By being focused on my feelings and making sure I honor those feelings.  For me this also means having a network of supportive people who I know I can share about these things without being judged.  That support network changes all the time, people are added to it or taken from it, but always I have known how important it is to cultivate those relationships and make sure I reach out to the folks who can help me honor my feelings and work through them.  I can also remember these feelings have their origins and history in the past.  Situations come up over and over to remind me how quickly I can be thrown back into my childhood hurts.  Today I know I can use the tools of feeling my feelings and reaching for my support to honor my feelings, work through them and connect my adult self to the little child inside me.  I can comfort her, help her and remind her that she is capable and worthy of love and respect.  I can then emerge from the shadow self to the actualized adult I am always working toward becoming.   A lifelong commitment one day at a time.

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