Sunday, February 09, 2025 05:51

Remaining Single: Beyond the Bullying – From Victim to Victor

Recently I went through an incident in which I was verbally abused by a bully.  It was done in stealth, and with no regard for my feelings, obviously.  I hate when this happens to me because I never understand why it’s necessary for anyone to come at me in this bullying way.  But then I need to remember there are people in the world who have personality disorders and those are usually the people who come at me to try to get rid of me because they are threatened by me.  And they are threatened by me because they know that I know what they are really about from go.  And even if I say nothing about what I know, which I often do, these people just can’t stand to see me.  This has been happening to me throughout my life – in my family of origin, in school with classmates, in job situations, in friendships, in dating circumstances and even in volunteer settings, which is where this most recent situation occurred..

In this recent situation, I had an interesting experience in that I got in touch with some very old emotions.  I found myself so very upset and tearful for almost a whole day following this incident.  While I was surprised at the depth of my emotions, I recognized that somehow this situation triggered so many similar ones in my past and that maybe this was just my opportunity to cry about them all.  I’m not saying this won’t ever happen to me again, but I’ve learned after many years of pushing down my feelings and not acknowledging or accepting or honoring them that today it is much better for me to let them come and to let them be felt.  In this way I’m able to get past the hurt much more quickly and with greater success.

Some people can just let these hurtful encounters roll off like water off a duck’s back.  I’m not one who can do that.  I recognize about myself that I’m sensitive and it gets to me when a bully comes at me.  Unfortunately the bullies can sense my Achilles heel of sensitivity and that’s how they can get to me.  I try to keep that hidden, but not always successfully.  And sometimes I wonder if that’s one of the reasons I’ve been remaining single throughout my life.  Perhaps it’s in order to protect myself from living with anyone who might wind up being this way.  I have dated men frequently who were emotional and verbal bullies, who left me feeling unwanted, unwelcome and unsafe.  Their verbal manipulation was so insidious, always done in stealth and in private, but to the outside world, the public eye, these men seemed nice and appropriate and acceptable.  Behind closed doors?  Different story.  Why did I wind up with so many bullying men?  I realize now it was because they seemed familiar.  And as I’ve said many times before, the word ‘familiar’ doesn’t always equal ‘safe.’  I continue to learn this lesson every time I encounter a bully in my life.

In recent times I have been more successful at seeing bullies coming toward me and have more frequently been able to step away from them, stand my ground with them or avoid them completely.  But sometimes they still surprise me, as with this most recent situation.  In my romantic life, my most recent relationship was with a man who was not a bully at all.  In fact he was just the opposite in that he has a gentle and kind soul.  If anything, I’m sure he would have allowed me to bully him.  But that’s not my style.  And therein lies the lesson.  I have heard that being bullied often leads to turning around and bullying others.  But I believe there is a choice to be made with that.  And I am not the kind of person who wants to bully others, having been hurt so much by bullies myself.  I have a strong personality for sure.  Sometimes people mistake my assertiveness for aggressiveness, but there is a big difference.  And here’s another lesson learned – sometimes bullies don’t come across as aggressive or assertive.  Sometimes they use manipulation and stealth to bring about the bullying.  This is even more insidious and scary because it’s so underhanded.

Regardless of the bullying style, it hurts to be on the receiving end.  Knowing that, I need to continue working on recognizing the signs and symptoms of a potential bully from the start. I’m not always as good at that as I’d like to be, but at least on some points I’m clear.  If I am bullied, then allowing myself to feel the feelings and work through the hurt gets me to the other side much more quickly so I can move on.  I can continue to work on having boundaries to perhaps avoid being bullied in the future.  And I can make sure not to become a bully myself.  In this way, I don’t have to be a victim, but rather can choose to be a victor.

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