I can’t do a blog in February without a passing nod to Valentine’s Day, which makes this month so hard for so many people. I certainly used to be one of those people. There’s a certain mind set that believes there’s nothing worse than not having a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. But can we pause for a minute, rewind the tape and just acknowledge what a “Hallmark holiday” Valentine’s Day really is, and to also ask does this holiday benefit anyone?
So many different examples to choose from to illustrate the above. If a person is single and romantically unattached, Valentine’s Day is a day when the message of “I’m alone and what’s wrong with me?” might be hammered home that much more, along with the feelings of sadness and loneliness rejection and abandonment that go along with it. The whole question of being on one’s own without a romantic partner can be daunting, and on Valentine’s Day, it just stirs up those troubling emotional waters.
For people who are romantically attached but perhaps unhappily, it is the message of “I have made a mistake being with this person.” And this can be illustrated or determined by what this romantic partner may or may not do to celebrate this holiday. For example, there may be many people who are consistently neglectful the other 364 days of the year but on Valentine’s Day they pull out all the romantic stops – dinner ,flowers, gifts, candles, etc. But does this make up for the rest of the year’s worth of neglect? Relationships are living breathing things – you can’t just put them in a corner all year long and expect them to be healthy and alive for one day out of the year.
There are people who may know their partner is wanting a romantic gesture for the holiday, but they refuse for whatever reason to comply with or honor this request. Even though the road to resentments may be paved with expectations, if the person with the expectations makes them known and the romantic partner is unwilling to comply, that brings a whole set of questions to the integrity and honesty and usefulness of the relationship. I myself was in relationships like that on more than one occasion. I made my wants known to my romantic partner and these wants were met with comments like “you can’t make me” or “I don’t have to.” That’s so very hurtful but it made me see there was no long term future with someone who had those kinds of responses to my wants around Valentine’s Day or anything else. So I stopped getting involved with men who believed that things had to be their way or no way. A positive message and change can come from a negative experience.
I think the folks who fare best on Valentine’s Day are the ones who realize that their relationship isn’t based on a forced romantic gesture for one day out of the year. A simple card, or a special dinner prepared at home, or just time spent together can be wonderful on any day. But it really comes down to the more important idea of a partnership being like that plant I mentioned earlier. The best partnerships are the ones where all effort seems effortless, and the reason that happens is because each partner appreciates the efforts of the other, and each partner makes it known to the other that the efforts are appreciated. A simple “thank you” for doing the dishes without being asked, or making the bed, or taking out the trash or sharing whatever are the routine duties of an adult life, sends the message that the willingness to actively participate in that routine adult life is noted and valued.
Back to those of us who are single and not currently involved romantically. Yes, it’s all about the hearts and flowers and love and kisses and jewelry on television. And it’s hard to face that alone sometimes. I certainly had my days this month around that Valentine’s Day time when I was feeling the yearning for someone to be romantic with. But for me I know it’s not just any someone. I say all the time I would rather be on my own and be living my own happy and full life than be with a someone who is not right for me. The right next romance will come when it’s my time for that to happen. So I honored those yearnings and another Valentine’s Day came and went, and now it’s past and done for another whole year. Sigh of relief.