Sometimes certain friendships seem like romances in terms of how much time and head space I allow them to take up. Throughout my life I’ve had friendships like that, and if/when the friendship comes to an end, it hurts just as much as the end of a romance would.
As a child I struggled with making and keeping friendships. Romances eluded me also. Growing up, I always yearned to have friends and boyfriends but somehow making those connections remained mysterious and unattainable. Instead, I was picked on all throughout primary and secondary schools and didn’t have a serious boyfriend until senior year in college.
Included in this emotional history is my relationship with my mother. I remember coming home from school and telling her about my day. Frequently I would be crying because someone had done something mean to me during the school day. I’m sure it was so hurtful for her to listen to my sad stories and to see me cry. She would comfort me and tell me the other kids were ‘just jealous’ of me. When I got older and so wanted to have romances, she would say “you’ll probably have to wait until the boys become mature enough to be with someone as strong as you.” I can look back on this now and appreciate her words. But I understand I was codependently enmeshed with her as well. In essence, if I had my mother to cry to then what did I need friends or boyfriends for?
Turns out there were more complicated issues underneath the surface of that relationship. My mother didn’t keep friendships either and she too had been picked on as a child. However, I recall her describing close friendships in her childhood, something I can’t necessarily echo from my own growing up experience. Plus, my mother had my father for her romantic life partner for 45 years until his death in 2002. So my mother had a helpmate, life partner, romantic best friend, something I’ve also not had yet. I came to realize she couldn’t relate to my ongoing single life. And I also came to realize my mother in essence was ‘molding’ me as a friend to her. But that shouldn’t have been my role. I figured that out along the way and have continued to work on setting emotional boundaries that make sense for me in terms of my relationship with my mother.
In my adult life I see the similarities between the friendships and romances I’ve had. In both situations I’ve been drawn in by the simple act of someone showing interest in me. The problem is often I don’t stop to consider if this person is someone in a healthy enough place for me to have for a friendship or romance, and I tend to jump in with both feet, because I’m so flattered that someone/anyone would show interest. The echoes of a childhood spent mostly on my own and an adolescent and adult life spent more out of romances than in them has left the self doubt scars of not being sure how people feel about me.
Today I make a conscious effort to be comfortable in my own skin, and to own that my life is contented, peaceful, fulfilled and happy regardless of my friendship and/or romance status. When either a friendship or a romance comes into my life I try to give it the attention and time it deserves but not to get overly consumed to the point where it takes up too much of my head space and leaves me devastated emotionally if/when it ends. I don’t always achieve that successfully, but that’s the goal. Along with that is the understanding or belief that when a friendship or romance ended in my life, it ended because there were new, better and healthier friendships and romances yet to come my way. I feel the loss of each friendship or romance, I take the time to mourn that loss and after a while lo and behold something new and even better enters my life. For me it’s best to always remember a door doesn’t close without a window opening somewhere else. One of those helpful life lessons.