This month I’ve been reflecting about how I sometimes set myself up to become an emotional hostage in my adult relationships. I’ve also been thinking about where this behavior pattern comes from and I know the answer to that question. It comes from a childhood spent as an emotional hostage of my mother who was (and still is) an angry, lonely, controlling, manipulative, judgmental narcissist, who said and did mean and hurtful things to me all through my childhood and continues to do and say mean and hurtful things to this day. Needless to say, she is a difficult person. I have a favorite phrase that applies to dealing with difficult people: “Whenever you encounter a difficult person, think of that person as an angel with an assignment.” Each day I work on two things which I think of as my assignments: strengthening the boundaries I need to protect myself from my mother’s harsh words and actions, and healing the wounds that have resulted from this lifetime of being an emotional hostage, and have definitely affected my adult relationships.
I understand that my mother did the best she could with what she had. Her parents were similar in their affect. They made many attempts to control my mother’s life throughout her childhood and her entire adult life as well. My mother’s parents were raging screamers, and they raised my mother in a raging screaming emotionally unhealthy environment. That’s what was familiar to her, and she wound up doing the same with her own husband and children. As I grew up I also recognized that I lived in two sides of my head. One side was the codependent people pleaser who wanted to try to avoid my mother’s raging and withholding disapproval, and the other side was the individual who wanted to not be controlled by someone else especially as I became old enough to make my own decisions. In so many ways, this was similar to how my mother managed her life. The difference is I want to have better and healthier boundaries for better and healthier adult relationships, and live a happier life than the one my mother lives. My mother lives alone and chooses to keep herself isolated while continuing to send raging messages to me and emotionally punishing me with her words and actions. Some folks get their cardio by going to the gym or hiking or doing something else physically energizing. My mother seems to get her cardio by keeping the fires of her rage fanned, and often the flames are fanned in my direction.
Where was my father during this you might ask? I have been asked that many times and realize the answer to that question also. Any time he tried to help me or be supportive of me, my mother made sure he never heard the end of it for that, and she has a tongue sharper than any rapier when she chooses. I believe he had to do what he needed to do to protect himself from her rage also, and after all he lived with her and I didn’t. So I can understand his not wanting to step in to protect me from her rage, because if he did that, the rage would be directed toward him. As it was, much of her rage was directed toward him anyway. He learned to protect himself from her as best he could, considering he was , after all, living in the same house with her. My dad died in 2002, and every once in a while my mother will admit she feels badly that she spent so much time toward the end of his life raging at him. Occasionally she will apologize for the mean things she does but it is highly unusual and it doesn’t mean she changes her behavior for the better. Apology means so very little when no behavior change accompanies it. And I have gratitude for my relationship with my father, who was by far the easier parent to love. For him, it seemed all I ever needed to do was be his daughter and that was enough. I’m not saying he wasn’t disappointed in me nor angry with me for things I did. But I never felt that harsh, judgmental, withholding of love coming from him. Somehow whatever disagreements or difficulties we had became fewer and fewer as I became an adult. I believe he believed in me enough to allow me to make my own mistakes and not beat me over the head verbally if and when I did make a mistake.
In my adult life I have often attempted to explain to my mother that I don’t accept her controlling, hurtful, manipulative behaviors. But then I need to remember I am dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists are rarely if ever willing to be held accountable for anything they do that might hurt others. They become defensive and find ways to make anything they do someone’s else’s fault. I know that no matter what I say nor how I say it, my words will fall on deaf ears and there will be no impact whatsoever nor any change in her behavior toward me. So today I go back to those boundaries I mentioned above, and try to protect myself from this difficult and dangerous person.
How does this affect my adult relationships? Let’s begin with romances. More often than not, I was in romances with men who are controlling, manipulative, distancing, emotionally neglectful narcissists, and I have found myself bending over backwards in attempts to people please for these men, similar to how I would try to people please with my mother. But then would come a moment when I would recognize how much I was over doing in the relationship and that all of the ‘give’ was coming from me. At these moments I would realize I was involved with someone who would never show me the love and kindness and acceptance and support and regard and respect and understanding I want in any relationship. Why was I with men like this over and over? Because on a visceral level they seemed familiar to me, much in the same way it must have made sense for my mother to raise me as she was raised. When something is familiar, we don’t stop to consider whether or not familiar is equal to safe. Many times those two words are not equal at all. That took me years of hard self work to figure out. Fortunately I was able to break the pattern of dating narcissists with my most recent romance, which was the best of my life and lasted 5.5 years. I know now that I am capable of maintaining a healthy romance over an extended period of time. Having had that once, I know now what to look for again and will not settle for anything less.
I tend to be codependent with friendships too sometimes. I am flattered when someone wants to be my friend, like a puppy who as long as someone shows it attention it feels loved. But there are all kinds of attention and not all of it is positive. There are those people who want to befriend me for what I bring to the friendship. Here again I need to be careful not to mistake kindness for weakness and vice versa. I have been in friendships with people who expected me to be their ‘therapist for free’ and while I brought strength and honesty and energy to the friendship, the other person was not capable of doing the same. I know I can’t expect 50/50 reciprocity in every relationship, but I need to look for balanced people with something more to offer beyond the initial kind word. Many times I hang my whole heart on that kind word and believe the person who uttered it to be the best person to know. And just as with romance, many folks are able to put on a ‘best face’ at the beginning of a relationship in order to draw the other person in. When it comes to sustaining that ‘best face’ there is really nothing beneath it, because the ‘best face’ was nothing more than a facade. When I realize the ‘best face’ was nothing but a facade, it’s like having an emotional rug ripped out from under me and I am totally off balance emotionally, unable to believe I was taken in again.
This fallout stems from a childhood of not knowing if or when the next kind word was coming along. And if kind words did come along, they could be followed with the most vicious ones to replace them within the space of a few moments. Here’s more of the hostage taking – if I never know where I stand, it’s very easy to be knocked off balance. In certain relationships – romances and friendships - I found myself wondering about the other person, planning my activities and time around when that person would be available, and making myself available to accommodate the other person’s schedule. That’s the sign and signal that I am back to being codependent and am people pleasing to accommodate someone else in order to preserve the relationship. Not the best situation for me. I need to remember that my own schedule is the one I should consider first, and that the relationship I have with myself needs to take the first priority.
Someone said to me recently that in order to have a level playing field in any relationship, it’s important to have an investment in who I allow into my life, rather than just taking whatever comes along, like that puppy who so wants to be cared for and loved. I am grateful to the person who shared that thought with me, and am taking it to heart each day, as I continue to strive toward healthier choices with any type of relationship.
Believe it or not, I have gratitude for my mother as well. I am grateful she decided to have children and chose to give birth to me and to raise me and make sure I became an independent adult. I am grateful for everything positive I have learned from her. I am also grateful even for the negative things about her because I can use those as examples of how I don’t want to be toward other people. I used to take things out on others in the past as she frequently does. I know how much this hurts and I have worked hard to change my behavior so I no longer displace my anger. If I have a hard day, I don’t come home and ‘kick the dog’ so to speak. Another of my favorite phrases is: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean.” Having grown up with someone mean, I work very hard at honing my verbal delivery and to try to think before I speak. I don’t always do this as well as I would like, but each day is another opportunity to practice, practice, practice. And that’s what I get to do with each relationship – friendship or romance. And when friendships or romances end, I know this means there will be new and perhaps better healthier friendships or romances brought to me to replace them. Doors never close without windows opening somewhere else, and each new experience is another opportunity to avoid being taken emotionally hostage. The healing continues daily.