Twice in this past month I received phone calls from two different women who upon finding out I had moved to Colorado asked me if I moved because I “met someone.” That’s code for did I meet a man in a romantic relationship and did I move because of the man! These women both have known me quite a few years, though not very well. But I’m fascinated by this thought process or assumption. It’s such old school style thinking, but on the other hand, both of these women chose to be at home wives and mothers primarily, even though they both had thriving careers at which they were highly skilled. I guess I understand where that question is coming from. Even still, it seems myopic to me that someone would think it unfathomable for a woman to make the choice on her own to relocate to a new place, not basing that decision on a romantic relationship in any way.
And speaking of letting romantic relationships drive the bus of life, I need both fingers and toes to count the number of times I allowed my thinking about my own life to be driven by what man I was romantically involved with at the time. And I can also count the number of times when that kind of thinking led to distraction, disappointment, and derailment, hence the title of this blog entry. How often was I so wrapped up in what was going on in my romantic life (and not necessarily in a good way) that I completely put my own dreams, thoughts and personal goals to the side or let go of them altogether in wondering what would happen with the current man in my life?
When I graduated from college I was in my first serious romantic relationship. At the time I didn’t want to move away from where I’d gone to college, but the only job offer worth taking was in New York City. My boyfriend was in Philadelphia. But I went anyway, and took the job, which turned out disastrously. My boyfriend and I tried to make the long distance thing work for a while, but it didn’t last. In looking back, I realized that first serious relationship was one of the two best of my life to date. How was I so easily able to walk away from him, when it became so difficult for me to do that with so many others for years following? Something to consider and wonder about. I believe I chalked it up to the naive belief that if this guy was so great and he was my first serious one, the ones who would follow him would be even better. So NOT true!
Other memories float up of different men at different times. There was a man in my life when I was seriously thinking about graduate school. I put off applying to graduate school for several semesters while I waited to see what would happen with this man. He was trying to get into a landscape architecture school in Virginia and he had proposed, so I must have thought why bother applying until I know what’s going to happen with us? Well, he and I crashed and burned and I wound up going to graduate school in my chosen profession.
As I was finishing graduate school, there was another significant man in my life, who also talked about marriage with me quite frequently. He too was finishing graduate school and wanted to move to Canada where I knew it would be difficult for me to find a job in my chosen endeavor. When I suggested a compromise, he insisted on couples therapy, in which I found out that if I were to marry this man it would be his way or no way, period. Well, that didn’t work for me so needless to say we ended. This man chose to move away – ironically NOT to Canada, but to Chicago where he got a job. And I heard through the grapevine that about six months after we broke up he became engaged to someone. Guess I was just ‘practice’ for him and I learned the heartbreakingly hard way that was never serious about marrying me.
Another time I was with someone briefly who lived an hour away from me and I was in the process of finding a larger condo to purchase. I actually considered moving to be near him, thinking once again that he was the “ONE” for me. Needless to say, he wasn’t. End of story.
A major heartbreak comes to mind with a man who from the first day we met was all about ‘when we get married’ conversations. He lived in a huge custom home chock full of his ‘man toys’ – collections of all kinds, a home theater, closets galore filled with his ‘stuff’ – floor to ceiling built in bookshelves. It was like living in a three ring circus museum. The only problem? No room for me or any of my things or identity, for all that this man constantly talked marriage to me. For two and a half years. And again, I put my life and dreams and plans on hold, waiting for this man to officially propose with the diamond he had shown me that was a family heirloom. He even had our parents meet each other. Who does that without being serious about sealing the deal? Yeah, I know – THIS guy! I still hadn’t been taught the lesson clearly enough and was required to go through this additional heartbreak, this one the most painful of all.
Clearly there is a repeated pattern here – one where I jettison my own life over the side when a man comes prancing down the road. With each ended romance I needed to go back and pick up the pieces of my own life that I’d strewn by the side of the road, in my hasty belief that marriage was “supposed to” be my “goal.”
A long time and many romantic relationships later, I have learned not to let go of the threads of my own life just because a romance comes my way. It’s been my experience that my life continues forward as I remain single (as in never married), and the forward journey needs to be the one I chart for myself. Today I’m about the journey, not the destination and I know better than to believe marriage is like some mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If marriage happens for me, fantastic. But not at the expense of my own interesting, full and exciting life.
A final note. In my most recent romance, which lasted 5.5 years, and with a lovely, kind, caring, intelligent and special man, I learned NOT to put anyone’s life ahead of my own. I was in a transition stage in my career where I was starting my own practice and working for myself which was so exciting. I had my own radio show. I was living in a nice home. The man I was involved with had an appreciation and acceptance for my work, my life, my goals, my plans, etc. We had a very good 5.5 years together. From time to time I thought about moving to a place closer to where he lived, and I even looked at places. Here again, I was almost going to give up an important part of my own life, which had to do with my location and residence. But this time once I realized there was no ‘give’ coming from his side, I dropped the idea, knowing that I needed to maintain the boundary that makes my life work, both professionally and personally. As it happened, we wound up ending. The romance ran its course, and we parted ways. So there’s another not ‘meant to be’ romance, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
The point is I take the life I’m given and live it to the fullest. The direction is forward, with some stops along the way, but now the train stays on the track, and there are many interesting adventures to fill the days. Will keep you posted.