So how do I get past the whole wanting to be married thing? I don’t. Hence, the above sub heading for this blog entry. I don’t think I’ve ever let go of the belief that someday, someday, someday……..
Maybe that’s just the way I’m emotionally hard-wired. In spite of my cynical side, or my critical side, or my ‘who needs this?’ side, I still have that age-old belief. It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and sometimes it’s a very strong yearning/lonely feeling. Ironically this usually means that I’ve just been disappointed by a man in some way. And usually it’s not at the end of big romantic relationships that had some significant impact on my life. It’s more often when there might have been a possibility of someone new and then it turned out to be not at all what I want or need, but rather just a big waste of time and emotional head space. Sigh……
But the yearning continues. I am a romantic, and always have been. And by that I don’t mean the big gestures, like flowers and candles and limos and fancy vacations. Those are all nice too, but it’s the simple things that I also enjoy that are romantic. Holding hands with that special someone is romantic. A simple touch from the special someone is romantic. Doing everyday things together is romantic. It all depends on the person I’m with and what meaning he has in my life.
The thing I struggle with sometimes is being patient, especially after one of those “nope, not this one either” things goes away. I believe (here’s the hope springs eternal part) that there is at least one pretty terrific someone out there for me for that someday thing. I just get tired sometimes of being patient and I want to give up on the whole thing. Then that yearning comes back to remind me that so much of me would like to be in a romance with someone.
So I believe the yearning is a reminder that my romantic heart is alive and well and is capable of resilience. I can and have started over with new romances. I have allowed my feelings to guide my life. I have been able to keep my heart open to the possible and I continue to do just that. It’s a challenge at times, but I know I learn so much from every romance, every possibility, no matter how fleeting.
Sometimes I learn more about what I don’t want. For example, I have learned through trial and error not to fall for someone’s ‘potential’ but rather see the person for who they are. I have worked hard on being a person who brings quality and quantity to the table of life. For me, someone without this same quality and quantity would not be right for me. I have also learned not to be in romances with men who should be clients, not boyfriends. If I find myself doing all of the listening and they know nothing about me while I know everything about them, well, now I’m just being someone’s ‘therapist for free.’ That one takes practice and constant vigilance.
So what do I want today? Someone with the basics – residence, vehicle, employment of some kind. An ability to reciprocate grace and generosity. A sense of the wider world. Self awareness, and the understanding that we are always ‘works in progress.’ An appreciation for who I am, and for what I do. A curiosity and willingness to be open to new experiences. The ability to share feelings and accept/embrace the importance of the emotional aspects of a romantic relationship. Willingness to be a partner in multiple dimensions, from things like if one of us cooks then the other cleans up to having each other’s back when the occasion calls for it.
Today I know the intangibles of any relationship are really what matters. I can’t put my finger of specifics all the time, but I know the best relationships have been the ones where words and gestures were equally important and both were authentic, genuine, reciprocated and heartfelt. Where life experience was the greatest teacher and both of us were aware of that. Where mutual understanding and always respect for each other were the automatic order of the day. I know when that’s meant to happen in my life again in a romantic relationship, it will be worth the wait. Meanwhile, hope springs eternal in my Cinderella heart. Stay tuned.