I am single, as in single, never married. For me, it’s not “still single” or “sad because I’m single” or “wish I weren’t single.” I’m single – that’s what I check in the box under marital status when I have to fill out a form at a doctor’s visit or elsewhere. Sometimes I hear people say “happily single.” I don’t know if that is what I think – assigning a feeling to a marital status. I think I prefer to keep it simple. I’m single, never married. Yet.
Unfortunately, my marital status is burdened with some of the following definitions or nicknames – old maid, spinster, desperate, dried up, unworthy, undesirable. Quite a list of negative descriptors, don’t you think? Yeah, me too. Fortunately and finally I don’t see myself in any of those terms. Believe me, this was not an overnight evolvement, but rather it is an ongoing process. In this case, the journey and the destination are one and the same.
From as early on as I can remember, I always wanted a boyfriend. I always thought I would be married someday. It’s those fairy stories I have written about in other articles – the ones the whole world tells mostly (if not only) to little girls. The handsome prince will come along on a white horse, and either slay the dragon or kiss the girl or whatever, and then he will propose marriage and off they will ride together. Cue the music, fade to black, happy ending, all tied up with a pretty bow. That’s what I thought I was supposed to want. Always. Sometimes I still do want that, other days not so much. But there were many times in prior chapters of my life when I felt desperate about being married, and was unbelievably sad about continuing the single journey in the world. I always wondered how it was happening over and over – the girl who always wanted the handsome prince was continually ending up on her own.
The word “alone” does not mean the same as the word “lonely,” yet so often I’ll hear people use the one to mean the other. Alone is a state of being, lonely is a powerful feeling. Speaking for myself, I can report being contented and comfortable at times of being alone, and I have felt achingly, desperately heart-wrenchingly lonely at times of being surrounded by other people. Have you ever been in a situation – a party, dance, group outing of some kind – and felt that feeling? You know the one, the one where people are all around, but you have that sense that nobody is really seeing you, as if you’re invisible? It’s a pretty hard sensation to deal with, but that’s what it’s like to feel lonely in a crowd.
It’s also a powerful feeling to feel lonely within a romantic relationship. It can be a painful awakening – the person to whom one is devoted, committed, perhaps even married – may not be someone with whom one feels valued, connected, appreciated, loved. Sometimes with this realization, there is an opportunity to galvanize the painful feelings into action. There are choices to consider. The person might choose counseling, either on his/her own or with the romantic partner, to explore the lonely feelings and find some resolution. The person might choose to end the romantic relationship, which can be devastating but might be liberating as well. I saw an article years ago about a group for divorced women. One of the quotes in the article that resonated with me talked about how when you’re single and lonely, each tomorrow might bring a different day. But if you’re married and you’re lonely or unhappy, each tomorrow is the same day. That’s a desolate landscape for sure.
There are other times when I’m by myself, and it seems as if I’m completely alone on the planet. Sometimes I’m hiking in the woods, or skiing down a slope. Sometimes I’m driving in my car early in the morning, or sitting in my house in total quiet (no tv, no music, just the usual noises a house makes like creaking floors, or the sound of the heater clicking on). And in those moments of alone, I’m not necessarily feeling at all lonely. I am content, satisfied, comfortable in my own skin. Those are happy moments, and moments when I’m grateful for my own solitude.
So life on life’s terms in spite of myself is about realizing my life continues to move forward, and it’s a positive, fulfilling, empowered, worthwhile, very contented life. Do I have my sad days? Absolutely. Do I have my difficult moments around romance? Without a doubt. From the day to day perspective, my life has meaning, purpose, and positive direction forward. For that I’m grateful, and will continue this journey one day at a time. More to come.