I’ve been reflecting on how many times in my life I’ve been drawn into an acquaintance, friendship, colleague situation or romance with a person who eventually turns on me with some kind of raging behavior, whether in person, over the phone, via email or text. It’s like being hit from behind or being blind sided, and I never see it coming in the moment. After something like this happened, as I processed the situation and the feelings that went along with it, I was able to step back and see where the red flags were around any of these people in a given situation. I realized what I needed to work harder on was how to be more aware of those red flags and pay attention to them instead of choosing to ignore them as I must have done so often in the past. What I took a closer look at was the part I played in attracting such people and being attracted to them. I needed to take a look at the pattern since it kept happening over and over. What was my attraction or craving to crazy about and how could I work on getting that to stop?
I have written before about bullies in my life and how they are all over my family of origin, so I’m certain that a piece of the attraction on my part comes from growing up around people who were behaviorally mercurial and inconsistent, not to mention verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive. It’s that inconsistency or meanness that fuels the ‘attraction’ I have. When I get around people who treat me in that inconsistent or abusive way, it feels or seems familiar to me. And since it seems familiar, I don’t always know how to protect myself from them until I am engaged or involved and have allowed them to get closer to me and to know more about me. While I have no regret about being open with people, I realize I need to figure out how to recognize more quickly when someone seems ‘familiar’ in what is really a dangerous way.
There are two parts to the process of attraction whether it’s me to them or them to me. The first part of the process of attraction is that sense of ‘familiar’ which means known but doesn’t necessarily mean safe. It’s easy to confuse the two. I’ve often heard people say someone felt ‘comfortable’ to them, or it was as if they’d known them forever. For me, as I said above, I’m usually pretty open with people and I believe in being integrated with all parts of my life. That means I want to present as the same person, being consistent in my behavior regardless of the situation. I tend to believe the best in people and have the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ approach. For me this is about believing that others are like me – consistent in their behavior regardless of situation. I guess I’m also an optimist, considering I grew up with people who were inconsistent. Yet I continued to believe they could change into consistent and kind people.
This brings up the other part of the attraction on my side. Even if I was being hurt by someone inconsistent in my life – family of origin members, friendships, boyfriends, work colleagues or supervisors – I used to believe that maybe if I just did this nice thing or that generous gesture, that the behavior of the inconsistent people would change and they would stop being mean or hurtful. In many instances this was not the case. So I was continuing to put energy into relationships that I thought I needed to keep trying to ‘fix.’ Somewhere along the way I realized there are certain people I needed to let go of because no matter what I did their behavior was not going to change. I finally realized I was the one who needed to change, and by that I mean I started figuring out sooner when it was time to walk away and let those relationships go. Sometimes that meant breaking up with a boyfriend, changing jobs, stepping back from a person who I thought was a friend, or stopping contact with family members. It was hard to keep making these changes and so hurtful and painful as I was going through them. But what I found as I went through these situations was a new peace and contentment because I let go of some heavy emotional baggage that was weighing me down and holding me back from better more lasting happiness.
It may sound cold to some folks that I no longer continue effort with certain people. Perhaps it is. But here’s the good thing. I now have relationships with people where there is reciprocity and appreciation, and most of all consistency and kindness on both sides. Thinking back on how much of my life I spent making the effort toward people who couldn’t be bothered to return that effort, I know how unhappy I used to be. I wondered what was wrong with me that these people couldn’t or wouldn’t choose to make an effort to be kind and generous toward me as I was toward them. What was it about me that made people think it was all right to treat me as they were doing? What it was about me was that I was willing to continue accepting unacceptable behavior. Perhaps I thought it was all I deserved. Perhaps I thought this was how it was ‘meant to be.’ It required self esteem building on my part to learn to say ‘no’ more clearly and really mean it. It required my believing that if I let these people go that there would be other better people to replace them. That has definitely come true. Most of all, I needed to understand my attraction to ‘crazy’ and to recognize that it comes from a place in my head where I believe when I am helping or rescuing, I am laying the groundwork for that to be reciprocated. This was misguided thinking on my part and the relationships that came along with that thinking were proof that I needed to change those beliefs in order to change the behaviors and therefore let go of ‘crazy.’
Today, I know the only life I am responsible for is my own. I still help people but I do it from a stronger place in my own life. I take care of my own needs first today, whatever those needs might be. In doing so, I have that much more to give to others in whatever relationships I have , be those work, friendship, family or romance. And I have been sent people who are consistent, who do appreciate and value me and make that known to me as I make it known to them how much they mean to me. I still get sidetracked by ‘crazy’ folks from time to time, but today I’m better at recognizing the red flags and walking away more quickly in order to protect myself. I still get caught up, taken in, and occasionally it’s unavoidable. But it’s a much quicker process for me to remove myself and start over in a new direction. I believe change is inevitable and with each change comes new experience and new opportunities to continue the work in progress.