I know people think it’s hard to be single at holiday time each year. Nobody to visit family with or go to holiday parties with, nobody to give gifts to or get gifts from, nobody to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve, and all the rest of the things couples are ‘supposed to’ do at holiday time. Pathetic, lonely and sad, right? Wrong.
More often than not, I have been on my own at holiday time than been with a romantic partner for the holidays. And at certain times when I was with a romantic partner at holiday time, those were hard holiday times for me, because some of those relationships were not very happy. Therefore holiday time brought to the surface just how unhappy I was with those people. I’ve spent enough time with other families and opened enough gifts that were given with no thought to what I like, and seen enough New Year’s Eve midnights in with a less than heartfelt kiss to last a lifetime.
Again, it goes back to the ‘rules’ of our society. The expectations are that we’ll be with someone on holidays. There is a line from the film “When Harry Met Sally” where Meg Ryan is telling her friends that she just broke up with her boyfriend of five years and her one friend played by Carrie Fisher says, “You had someone to be with on national holidays!” Sad that this is how women think.
I certainly had times when I believed those things too. I used to be in despair in my younger years if I didn’t have plans for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, or New Year’s Eve. I watched so many people around me through the decades get engaged on Christmas or New Year’s Eve. The big splash, the story to tell forever. And always wondering why not me? Why not with this man or that man? Today, I know I wasn’t meant to spend forever with any of the men with whom I’ve been romantically involved, for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes spending time with the families of my romantic partners was a signal for me that having to align with this family or that family would not be in my best interest. In other instances spending time at holidays with a man’s family was the kiss of death for any future relationship we might have had. I will never forget going to the family home for a holiday dinner and the presents were being opened and the man I was dating at the time was asked by his uncle “Where’s Valerie’s engagement ring?” From then on until we broke up, that man was determined not to love me or want to ask me to marry him. All because a member of his family had that expectation and he was a very “you can’t make me” kind of person anyway. Of course he was ambivalent to begin with, but his uncle asking him that question sent him running from me emotionally. At that moment, he checked out of the relationship hotel and never checked back in, even though we went through the motions of staying together for quite a long while.
I’m grateful that today my life and my emotional head are in a very different place, one which is far healthier and much more sane. I don’t have a romantic partner in my life and haven’t for quite some time. I don’t know if there will ever be another significant romantic partner in my life again, and I don’t need to know. It would be nice of course, but that can’t be forced or planned. So the holidays come and go and for me they can be just another day. I looked forward to Christmas this year because it was a day off from work. I spent it quietly with some women friends. The weather was nice, I got outside for a walk in the snow with a friend and her dogs. Later on my friend and another friend and I went for a movie and something to eat. It was quiet on the roads, quiet in the restaurant, and the time spent together was enjoyable as it always is. On New Year’s Eve I will most likely be at home sleeping because I have ski plans for New Year’s Day. No expectations, no chaos, just choices coming from a place of strength.
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I reflect on my life daily rather than annually. But I am always struck at year’s end by how different my life is from year to year. Last year I was volunteering at a ski area, so I was working on the slopes on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The time from year to year moves more quickly as I get older. That’s a fascinating phenomenon to me. I get an opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come and how much better my life is from year to year.
In thinking back again on that past romance with the uncle and the engagement ring question, and how badly it hurt when we broke up, I have so much gratitude that I am no longer with that man. I was unhappy in that romance almost from day one, and yet I stayed with him rather than being alone. And the irony is we met around holiday time. And the even bigger irony is I thought I was contented on my own at the time we met. I had even reached a place of empowerment and acceptance around being 38 years old and “still single.” But just saying “still single” tells me I wasn’t really committed to acceptance at that time. This man came along and something inside me – coming from the desperate part of me – allowed this relationship to come into my life and cause me a great deal of heartache for two plus years.
Some holiday years have been sad, others have been happy. Some sad times have been with a romance in my life, some happy times have been on my own. The truth is happiness comes from inside me and isn’t about being with someone romantically or not. Today, I don’t say “still single” any more. That calls up the old sad and desperate and lonely feelings. Today I say instead remaining single, which means it’s about a choice. Do I hope that a lasting romance will find me when the time is right for that to happen. Definitely. Do I worry about when? Not at all. From time to time I still wonder why not now, why not me. And then I let it go. I feel the feelings around that, I honor that process and I keep moving forward. Thinking about what to do for next year’s holidays? No way. Too far ahead to plan and not at all necessary.