I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to say something as simple as “I’m sorry” but it seems like for many folks it’s impossible to do. Even when confronted with something they did wrong, so many times I have heard a grudging and childish “I’m sorry” from certain people. Why is it so hard to apologize? You hurt someone with something you say or do, you say I’m sorry. It’s not rocket science, is it?
Then again, I wonder if saying “I’m sorry” is really enough. As mentioned above, a grudging “I’m sorry” isn’t really as meaningful as an apology that includes acknowledgment of the situation for which someone owes the apology. And it comes from a much more mature place. I think given the choice I’d rather have the apology with acknowledgment of the offense or wrong action.
There are people in my past from whom I know I will never get an apology. Ex-boyfriends of course are at the top of this list, as are some family of origin members, former bosses, etc. No doubt I could go on with this list endlessly, right? I also have a list of those to whom I most likely owe an apology. In my personal work, I have had the opportunity to make some apologies to some of the folks on my list, and that was a burden lifted, which allowed me to move forward in my emotional life. For that I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful for apologies I have received from certain significant people in my life which were done with sincerity and depth, and which helped strengthen the relationships with those people. I was awestruck by these experiences because I had let go of the expectation that these people would ever be able to admit/acknowledge things they had done which hurt me.
Letting go of expectations in certain situations helped the apologies happen for me. It is hard to let go of expectations – to be sure, if there were an Olympics for grudge-holding, I’d be a gold medalist. I try make my own amends to myself every day. That’s the first step in letting go of resentment and the anger that goes along with it. I can’t always let go without feelings. Sometimes I let go but there is anger attached. This means I’m putting distance between myself and the person toward whom I feel the anger. Sometimes I can let go and be completely neutral. And sometimes I can let go with love. I was able to do that with my last romance, and it felt grownup and reasonable.
The concept of living amends works the best whenever possible. I think about ways to be able to be as amends-based as I can. That doesn’t mean I walk around apologizing all the time. The point is more that I consider my words carefully before speaking, and I try to utilize tact and diplomacy. This is not always executed perfectly, trust me. I’m human, after all, not a saint. I grew up in a household where there was frequently anger and unfair mean fighting with very few apologies. I knew I didn’t want to engage in that as an adult, and I’ve worked hard on developing ways to say what I mean without going to the below the belt unfair yelling where nobody is heard and feelings are not considered at all place. And that feels so much better for me today. Now if I get into a disagreement with someone, I take the time to get to resolution. It still might leave hurt feelings, and not always can resolution be guaranteed, but if the effort is being made, this is part of living amends.
Sometimes people want to do the blame game and not see that every conflict has a 50/50 split. There are those who would rather explain why it’s entirely my fault that they are angry with me. I’ve certainly been through that any number of times. Sometimes it’s not possible to resolve conflict. Sometimes conflict causes irreparable damage. It happens. Sometimes distance or permanent separation is the order of the day. Each situation is different. But with relationships that work, and that matter, then the hope is for both people to be willing to connect and to be willing to make amends. If I’m striving for living amends, then I’m coming from a place of willingness, honesty, and taking responsibility for my side of whatever I need to make the amends for in the first place. That’s the best I can do.