Friday, June 21, 2024 14:51

Remaining Single: The Websites Really Work!

The above title speaks for itself, because I am happy to report that after using the dating websites for quite some time, I have found a true love and we are engaged to be married.

This was not my first experience with dating websites, and it can be frustrating to ‘look for love’ in the internet dating world. There were many instances where correspondence over email was all that ever happened. Sometimes there might have been a phone call or texts back and forth, but face to face meetings were not in the cards. Other times a first date happened but no way would there ever be a second date. And in other instances there was a first date and perhaps a second or third, but nothing more was meant to happen. There were countless instances of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and misperception. Fortunately for me, all of these circumstances were great learning lessons in showing me what I didn’t want, didn’t need, and didn’t deserve.

As I continued with the most recent dating journey, I resolved for probably the first time ever not to settle for anything less than what I knew would be right for me. That man didn’t have a specific physical type, nor did he work a certain kind of job, or have a certain level of education. The qualities I knew to hold out for had to do with intangibles, but I believed more and more firmly that I would know those qualities when they were brought to me in the right man. Happily that’s how it’s worked out.

How do I know he is my true love? I can’t explain that as accurately as some might like. So many people out there want the one formula or solution or just answers to the essential question of will I ever find the true love I hope for, wish for, yearn for? I know this because I was one of those people. I asked those questions over and over. I read the dating manuals and all of the self help books about attracting love, finding love, keeping love, letting go of the wrong ones in order to be open to the right ones. You name it, I did it.

Why did it take me so long to stop settling, you ask? In my dating history I was often attracted to men who seemed ‘comfortable’ or ‘safe’ to me, but really what they turned out to be were ‘familiar’ and ‘known.’ What I mean by that is I became romantically involved with men whose characteristics echoed those of some origin family members who routinely bullied and verbally abused me. After three or so of those types of men had come and gone, I went back to resolve some issues within those origin family relationships for myself. I had to do that self work in order to be very clear about what I would not longer tolerate or accept in romantic relationships.

All of this took years, but I think I finally figured out what would be right for me. So with this most recent dating search, I was on a very different journey than in prior attempts. Even within this recent experience I got to a place where I was at long last comfortable with myself, accepting of whatever might happen or not happen in terms of permanent romantic partnership. I was absolutely certain that if I was meant to spend my entire life on this earth without a permanent romantic partner, then that was going to have to be enough. And for the first time, I was really willing around that issue. Did I hope that true love would come? Absolutely. I never stopped hoping, wishing, dreaming, believing. But at the same time, I knew and admitted that life without a permanent romantic partner would still be one well-lived on my own.

Doing this kind of ‘focused’ dating brings the benefit of figuring out what doesn’t work, and therefore being aware of what does work if/when it cones along. For example, I realized someone right for me would be someone like me in terms of lifestyle choices, like owning a residence, having gainful employment and leading a grownup existence. Things as simple as the above might not seem like much, but there are men out there who don’t have even those essential building blocks. There are also the ones who still are involved in way too much chaos on a daily basis. That might take the form of over indulgence in drugs and alcohol, or entanglements with ex-wives and disrespectful or misbehaving children, or enmeshed emotional care taking relationships with aging parents.

With all of this information in my head, I turned over the outcome and stayed open to the possible. With that, the quality of men I attracted or to whom I was attracted changed quite a bit. I didn’t go on as many dates, but the ones I did agree to were with men who had better communication skills, had much more stable lives and in general brought more to the table overall as potential life partners.. I also didn’t limit my ‘search’ to dating websites. As I said, I stayed open to the possible, which means I wasn’t opposed to meeting the right man within an activity group, or at the grocery store, or wherever he might have appeared. The dating websites just allowed access to more options.

And after all of the trial and error, the right man entered my life and I knew almost instantly that he was the partner I had waited for all of these decades. So I’m here to say finding a true love is possible, does happen and it’s well worth the wait! My best advice? Don’t stop believing!

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