Saturday, December 16, 2017 16:45

Remaining Single: OMG It’s My Turn for a Wedding!

It’s finally happening for me, and it’s an out of body experience in a way. I just attended my bridal shower and it was totally amazing and so surprising and I still can’t believe it’s real.

I have been going to weddings since I was a child, when I went to a few family weddings. Then in my twenties as everyone I knew seemed to be running to couple with someone, I went to so many bridal showers and weddings and all things connected to weddings. Then I went to more weddings in my thirties and forties and I remember sitting at many of them with tears in my eyes, feeling sad for the thought of always being at someone else’s wedding and never at mine. The last wedding I attended was in my fifties, and I remember thinking while watching the couple say their vows how it seemed like a staged play. I also remember thinking how I could never imagine doing that kind of thing in front of other people. I don’t know that I’d reached a place of acceptance or belief that I would never get married, but I know I was in a different head space about it than I’d ever been before.

And now it’s my turn for a wedding, and the other wedding events like my bridal shower. I wore the dress up veil and crown and sash at my bridal shower. I sat in a circle and opened gifts. People took photos of me. We went to lunch and toasted my special day. It was all for me, all about me, and is this really real? All this time when I’ve been engaged, I look at my engagement ring and I think “Whose hand is this wearing that ring?” Seems unbelievable sometimes that it’s really happening in my life – the life always lived as a single, never married woman. Wow.

It’s been quite the whirlwind for me, doing all of the typical and sometimes traditional things connected with a wedding. My fiancé and I went shopping for rings together and chose our rings together. I was calm sitting in the jewelry store, choosing a ring to wear every day for a lifetime, not really able to take in how significant that is. Wearing the ring has been emotional sometimes. At first I was conscious of how odd it felt to have a ring on that finger which I’d always intentionally left bare. But after a while I adjusted to it, and now if it’s not on my hand it feels odd not to be wearing it. That was a quick adjustment.

My fiancé and I talked about planning our wedding. He was in on everything from the start – how many people to invite, what was our budget, where we would be married, what we both wanted. It’s been a collaboration from the beginning. He knew I was the kind of woman who always imagined a certain kind of wedding in my head. At one point he asked me had my vision changed much since my younger days and actually the answer was no. The venue is different and so is the time of day, but other than that, most everything is as visualized it years ago.

We designed the invitation together and prepared the invitation packets together. We visited with the wedding venue managers and all of the other vendors together. It’s been a together experience and it’s gone smoothly as we both participated equally. This is the reason why he’s the one for me. It’s that partnership I’d been dreaming of, yearning for, believing in my whole life. It’s finally become real and true.

We’re almost at the “big day” at this point and whenever I say that out loud there’s this little tingle that runs down the back of my neck. It’s not a bad thing, more about the anticipation and the whole ‘who would have ever thought this would really happen?’ kind of thought that goes on inside my head. I think in my heart of hearts, my ‘hope for happily ever after’ heart, I always hoped this would happen. But the decades of single and disappointed in so many prior attempts at lasting romance created some cynicism and disbelief that the right life partner would ever find his way to me.

When I moved to Colorado in 2011 I had no sense that I was moving to find the love of my life. I heard the call, so to speak and knew it was the right decision and the right timing. I came to Colorado without knowing anyone, and established my life in every facet and aspect. I found work, made friendships, became involved in my favorite activities, and eventually went back out there with dating again. Perhaps putting things in that order of priority was part of the reason why ultimately my fiancé was brought to me. Perhaps it was my willingness to turn things over to the larger than I am presence which I allow to guide my life. For me I describe this as my Higher Power. But it could also be thought of as God, or the Divine or the Universe – that’s entirely up to the individual. In any event, the unfolding journey that is my life has led me to this set of events that I always dreamed of as a little girl.

Who knew I had so much of that little girl inside me? She’s still in there and giggling with delight as the wedding events and wedding itself draws near. That little girl is as much a part of me as the evolving grownup woman. I work toward integrating them together to create the authentic woman I choose to be in my daily life.

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