Saturday, December 16, 2017 16:43

Remaining Single: Question For Men (Or Women!): Why Lie?

Here’s an oldie but goodie from the joke archives: How do you know a man is lying? His lips are moving and sound is coming out of his mouth. (Pause for laugh) I’m sure men tell the same joke about women too, by the way.

I’m not a man hater and I’m not bitter about men. But it does get frustrating sometimes to encounter men who choose not to be truthful. Let’s not even sugar coat it. Men lie. It’s that simple. And there’s no rhyme or reason for why they lie. But they create an atmosphere of distrust the minute they do it with anyone, especially women. More’s the pity though, because too many women (myself included at times, sad to say) are willing to believe the lie! I have worked hard on my own self awareness journey to live in my truth and be a truthful person. So it’s disheartening when I encounter men who lie.

Men have different ways of lying. Some are outright liars and they are manipulative enough to make it seem like we’re the ones with the problem if we catch them in a life. I once was dating someone who it turns out was continuing a relationship with an ex girlfriend even though I said it was a deal breaker for me. I found out about it, confronted him and he did nothing. But that’s when I needed to end the relationship. Did I do that? No, I continued to date this man for what seemed like an eternity. Actually we were together only 2.5 years, but when they are not happy years, they can seem like forever, right?

Some men choose to lie by omission. Here’s an example. I know a man who has a number of women interested in him romantically. He seems to be a nice friendly romantically unattached guy. Or so we all thought. Recently he shared that he had been romantically involved with someone for a number of months. I know there have been times when he has been out with me or friends of ours on a weekend evening and when asked how does this fly with his girlfriend his reply was “What someone doesn’t know they don’t have to be told, right?” Further, he went on to say that he didn’t consider this woman to be his girlfriend, even though they were physically involved. It was stunning to hear those words come out of his mouth because it seems this man, who presented as a nice romantically unattached guy, is more of a player than anyone gave him credit for. It’s a little scary to know that there’s a man out there who ‘kept his options open’ so to speak, while being romantically (i.e. physically) involved with a woman.

Here’s another one – the man who drops off the face of the earth after a couple of good dates. Or the man who starts a relationship and then runs with some story about being busy at work or not feeling attracted, or he doesn’t miss you enough when he’s not with you. These are all so flimsy a ten year old could see through them . They are all ‘man speak’ for the unwillingness to take a dating romance to the next level and make the commitment towards a long term, monogamous, all investment type of relationship.

So back to the question of why men lie? And by the way, I’m not saying women don’t lie. They lie just as much as men. I don’t even want to write down some of the excuses women I know have made when they don’t want to say yes to an invitation to do something together. It’s pretty sad. I think the basic thing is very few people are willing to say no, or no thanks. I have heard people tell me it sounds ‘mean’ to say no. But what is worse – telling the truth with a polite “no” or “no thank you” or lying and then being found out? I’m okay with someone saying no to me. Yes, it hurts my feelings a bit because if I ask someone to get together it’s because I truly want to spend time with that person. But if they say no, I need to accept their choice and move on, make different plans for myself or with others. I don’t always accept every invitation I get either. Just for myself, it hurts worse when someone lies about why they can’t get together. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or a woman. A lie is a lie is a lie. Here’s the hope that’s worth the work – I send out the wish or belief that there are others along my life journey who strive for the same standards of honesty, integrity and authenticity that I try to maintain in myself. If it starts with me, then that has to be enough. If I continue the journey with those standards, then I will be rewarded by encountering others who believe the same. Here’s hoping.

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