At times, doing the actively dating thing seems like taking on a work project, or searching for a house to buy. It comes with exhausting moments in my experience. Does that exhaustion mean I am giving up, or getting cynical about it? Not at all, but I do go through periods of fatigue for sure. Again from experience I am able to recognize that’s the larger presence/universe telling me to push back from the table for a moment and take a breath. That’s what I chose to do after fourteen months of being focused, directed, and really out there. I was sending out emails, initiating lots of contact with different men, and going on lots of first dates. Occasionally I had more than one date with the same man. Even less frequently there was a glimmer of potential romantic relationship possibility. And once or twice it seemed as if that romantic connection might have led to an actual relationship. Overall, nothing had any lasting power, hence, the title of this blog.
Okay, now for the lessons learned thus far. To paraphrase from an episode of “Sex and the City,” women always need to learn something from every romantic relationship experience. I believe that’s true not only in romantic experiences but in all experiences, but for this moment I’ll focus on the romantic experiences. And this would be not only from the recent foray into the directed dating world, but how it’s helped me assess some of my past major romantic relationships.
In this most recent attempt to find lasting love I’ve discovered that there are so many men out there. So for anyone who says it’s hard to meet men, I totally disagree. In my experience there are men everywhere, and not just on the dating websites. In my daily life there are men everywhere as well. There are plenty of men who are able to carry on a phone conversation. Even more men are really good at the whole email correspondence thing. Typically, the men who want their romantic relationships conducted over the internet or phone aren’t really able to take it to the face to face. That works out well for me because it saves me from wasting my time meeting someone who isn’t likely to be a good fit. If they can’t come out from behind their computers or their phones, then they wouldn’t be right for me.
There are lots of men who can be charming and attractive on a first date. Quite a number of them even go as far as saying something about wanting to get together again. Guess what? They disappear too. And again I’m saved the time drain of needing to invest my heart with a man who doesn’t have the follow through capability I prefer. If they don’t follow through, then they wouldn’t have the ability to sustain a romantic partnership over time.
Next up are the men with whom I had more than one date, or the men with whom something romantic seemed possible. It seems there are quite a lot of men who want to stay in the shallow end of the dating/relationship pool, and go on dates with women and not take it to the next level. As someone who would prefer to find lasting love, these men and I aren’t compatible. Ditto the men who want nothing more than sex with women, and they have no interest in monogamy in any way, shape or form. One of my requirements in seeking lasting love is a commitment to monogamy, so again these men who just want the sex thing need to keep stepping because that’s not what I’m about at all.
Recently I decided to do an exercise I’ve done in the past from time to time. I made a list of the qualities I’m seeking in a romantic partner. These qualities had nothing to do with appearance, or how much money they make, or what kind of car they drive. The qualities that resonate with me are more about a man’s heart and head. Things like honesty, integrity, willingness and the ability to be a grownup were on the list, along with quite a few other items. After completing the list I took a look and realized these are qualities I strive for in myself. I know the work toward owning these qualities is a lifelong project and I’m always a work in progress. For me, it’s worth the much longer wait to be with someone who wants to be all in, chooses to make that emotional investment, understands the meaning of partnership and is willing to work toward that. Somewhere out there is a man who is just as much of an ongoing work in progress as I am. When the time is right for us to meet, then it will happen. Until then, I continue to evolve, grow, and strengthen as I gain wisdom from each experience or encounter of my life as it unfolds.