Of course I’m a modern woman. What does this mean? It means I don’t mind making the first move to contact a man, or flirt with a man, or reach out to make a connection with a man. I’m fine with being someone who does that. In other areas of my life I don’t hesitate to make a move, whether that’s buying a house or a car, making plans with friends, organizing a group event, renting office space, planning a vacation. Whatever comes up in the rest of my life, I do it for myself, which is empowering and strengthening for me. I haven’t been one to wait and sit back for someone else to do for me. Being single throughout my entire adult life has taught me a lot about being self sufficient and self reliant.
When it comes to dating, I’m in a place where reaching out to men isn’t scary and it doesn’t feel ‘wrong’ for me to do it. So as with anything else in life, if something seems to be possible with a man, I have no problem being the one to say how about coffee, or a hike, or whatever. Sometimes there is follow up and sometimes there is not, but I am a firm believer in helping fate along instead of sitting back and waiting for it to do all the work. I’m always open to the possibilities of fate, but while I’m waiting, I can be out there dating too, right?
At the same time, I love it when a man is capable of courting in the old school way, and this is where I’m a big fan of the effort. What is the effort about, you ask? I’ll give you examples from some of my recent online dating adventures. It starts with reaching out via email, and saying something more than “Hi.” When I talk to the younger folks who are Facebook fanatics, I hear from them that the standard opening line is “Hi.” That may be true, but really, does a man think I’m going to respond to something as simplistic as that? Effort, fellows! Ask me a question, comment about something you read in my profile, send me a signal that you’re interested in me, and letting me know you hope I’ll write you back.
Here’s another one. I know the young folks are all about the text, and I’m hip to that too, but I very much enjoy when a man calls and we have a voice to voice conversation. Here again, effort wins points with me. The opportunity to hear a voice and perhaps make that initial connection on the phone helps me decide if I want to take the next step and see if he’s worth meeting in person. And further, the men who call when they say they’re going to call get points too. There’s nothing better than a man who demonstrates reliability at least initially by something as simple as being true to his word. And once we’re on the phone and talking, he knows the value of a reciprocal conversation, one in which we are asking each other questions to get to know each other. Reaching for that connection makes such a positive difference.
Next step – he’s up for making a plan to get together instead of going back and forth with endless emails or phone calls about wanting to get together but not having any time. Men, take note – I’m just as busy as you are, and my life is just as interesting and full. So I’m not impressed with words about being too busy to call or email or make a plan. It seems like ducking, making excuses, or perhaps game playing. If you’re serious about getting to meet someone, then be real with yourself and me and let’s make the plan for the meet. I find frequently there are men who may put it out there initially that they want to meet, but somehow there are numerous excuses communicated through email that their lives are so busy, etc. etc. And then they say they will be in touch to make a plan for a meeting. I don’t waste a lot of my time with men like this. The men who get my attention are the ones who commit to making a face to face meeting happen.
When the meeting happens, I enjoy some other old school gestures. Sometimes a man brings me flowers. They may be from the grocery store, but who cares? It’s still a classy thing to do, along with holding doors for me, or offering to pay if a meal is involved. And again, it goes a long way in earning points. And what I mean by points doesn’t mean some physical ‘reward’ like sex on the first date. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about my respect, my genuine interest in getting to know you, my gratitude for taking the time to be positively attentive toward me, just as I am doing the same with you. The dates I’ve enjoyed most are the ones where the men made the kind of effort that is memorable, and that leaves me hoping you’ll call me again. And if you do, don’t forget to bring that effort. I promise it’s worth it.