I come from lots of strong willed people on both sides of my family tree.  There are bullies, bossy folks, opinion givers (especially negative opinions), controllers, and manipulators. Growing up with such influences it’s no wonder that I inherited all of those traits and see them in myself.  I’ve been spending time thinking about this in my professional and personal life and realize the above traits are part of  my ‘shadow self.’  Some people call it a ‘dark side,’ but I think of that as more negative than it needs to be.  To me, a shadow self says the same thing and also indicates acceptance of that part of ourselves.  Let’s face the truth – we can’t always be sweetness and light.  On any given day, the shadow self might come along to remind me that I am allowed not to be all loving, all knowing, all caring.  And I am also reminded that I don’t have to like everyone.  I have no intention of trying to be perfect.  I already know I have flaws.  I’m a work in progress and that continues daily.

Throughout my entire life I have encountered a number of people in my professional and personal life  who display all of the above traits and then some.  As irritating and hurtful as it is to encounter these people, I also see these encounters as helpful because I’m quite sure I’ve done and said the same things with others in my life.  So perhaps I am sent these encounters to remind me to continue my awareness of myself, to continue examining myself and work on correcting the character defects.  As I said, I know I’ll never completely be rid of every flaw in my character and personality, but at least I can be watchful.  I believe the encounters I’ve had with these other folks throughout my life have been reminders to face and embrace my shadow self.

James Arthur Baldwin is quoted as saying “The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.” I did my own work with therapists off and on for many years, and while it was hard to be on the other side of the couch, so to speak, I’m glad to have had those experiences in my past.  I had emotional pain, I went to talk about those feelings with a professional, and that was helpful.  Many times I walked out of the therapist’s office feeling so defeated and sad and worked up.  Looking back now I know this was part of the therapeutic process.  And if ever I come up against an emotional roadblock again which is beyond my scope to figure out on my own, I will not hesitate to find a therapist to work with again.

I am reminded of my own work when patients lash back at me during a session or choose to resist their own changes because change is scary and uncomfortable.  I’m certain I lashed out at most if not all of my prior therapists when I was in my therapeutic process.  How do we become so defended about behaviors which are harmful and which we know are harmful?  It’s because of the shadow selves within each of us and all of us. I am reminded of my own shadow self when I see others doing or saying things that could be more hurtful than they realize.  I keep my observations to myself when these situations occur, but I take them as a cautionary tale, in other words how I don’t want to be toward others.

I know that most of the time the behaviors of my shadow self are indicators that I’m having some feelings that are hard to face – angry, sad, lonely, scared.  If I’m feeling rejected, or unwelcome, or unworthy, or unloved, or outcast, the shadow self can come up.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as not being included in a group, or not being asked along to a certain activity.  I become fearful that I don’t really have any friends when I’m not included in certain activities.  Then I feel all of the other feelings – angry, lonely, sad, abandoned, rejected.  Those feelings really hurt and I know they can cause the acting out behaviors mentioned above that are part of my shadow self.

How can I make sure that I don’t indulge the shadow self behaviors?  By being focused on my feelings and making sure I honor those feelings.  For me this also means having a network of supportive people who I know I can share about these things without being judged.  That support network changes all the time, people are added to it or taken from it, but always I have known how important it is to cultivate those relationships and make sure I reach out to the folks who can help me honor my feelings and work through them.  I can also remember these feelings have their origins and history in the past.  Situations come up over and over to remind me how quickly I can be thrown back into my childhood hurts.  Today I know I can use the tools of feeling my feelings and reaching for my support to honor my feelings, work through them and connect my adult self to the little child inside me.  I can comfort her, help her and remind her that she is capable and worthy of love and respect.  I can then emerge from the shadow self to the actualized adult I am always working toward becoming.   A lifelong commitment one day at a time.

Recently I went through an incident in which I was verbally abused by a bully.  It was done in stealth, and with no regard for my feelings, obviously.  I hate when this happens to me because I never understand why it’s necessary for anyone to come at me in this bullying way.  But then I need to remember there are people in the world who have personality disorders and those are usually the people who come at me to try to get rid of me because they are threatened by me.  And they are threatened by me because they know that I know what they are really about from go.  And even if I say nothing about what I know, which I often do, these people just can’t stand to see me.  This has been happening to me throughout my life – in my family of origin, in school with classmates, in job situations, in friendships, in dating circumstances and even in volunteer settings, which is where this most recent situation occurred..

In this recent situation, I had an interesting experience in that I got in touch with some very old emotions.  I found myself so very upset and tearful for almost a whole day following this incident.  While I was surprised at the depth of my emotions, I recognized that somehow this situation triggered so many similar ones in my past and that maybe this was just my opportunity to cry about them all.  I’m not saying this won’t ever happen to me again, but I’ve learned after many years of pushing down my feelings and not acknowledging or accepting or honoring them that today it is much better for me to let them come and to let them be felt.  In this way I’m able to get past the hurt much more quickly and with greater success.

Some people can just let these hurtful encounters roll off like water off a duck’s back.  I’m not one who can do that.  I recognize about myself that I’m sensitive and it gets to me when a bully comes at me.  Unfortunately the bullies can sense my Achilles heel of sensitivity and that’s how they can get to me.  I try to keep that hidden, but not always successfully.  And sometimes I wonder if that’s one of the reasons I’ve been remaining single throughout my life.  Perhaps it’s in order to protect myself from living with anyone who might wind up being this way.  I have dated men frequently who were emotional and verbal bullies, who left me feeling unwanted, unwelcome and unsafe.  Their verbal manipulation was so insidious, always done in stealth and in private, but to the outside world, the public eye, these men seemed nice and appropriate and acceptable.  Behind closed doors?  Different story.  Why did I wind up with so many bullying men?  I realize now it was because they seemed familiar.  And as I’ve said many times before, the word ‘familiar’ doesn’t always equal ‘safe.’  I continue to learn this lesson every time I encounter a bully in my life.

In recent times I have been more successful at seeing bullies coming toward me and have more frequently been able to step away from them, stand my ground with them or avoid them completely.  But sometimes they still surprise me, as with this most recent situation.  In my romantic life, my most recent relationship was with a man who was not a bully at all.  In fact he was just the opposite in that he has a gentle and kind soul.  If anything, I’m sure he would have allowed me to bully him.  But that’s not my style.  And therein lies the lesson.  I have heard that being bullied often leads to turning around and bullying others.  But I believe there is a choice to be made with that.  And I am not the kind of person who wants to bully others, having been hurt so much by bullies myself.  I have a strong personality for sure.  Sometimes people mistake my assertiveness for aggressiveness, but there is a big difference.  And here’s another lesson learned – sometimes bullies don’t come across as aggressive or assertive.  Sometimes they use manipulation and stealth to bring about the bullying.  This is even more insidious and scary because it’s so underhanded.

Regardless of the bullying style, it hurts to be on the receiving end.  Knowing that, I need to continue working on recognizing the signs and symptoms of a potential bully from the start. I’m not always as good at that as I’d like to be, but at least on some points I’m clear.  If I am bullied, then allowing myself to feel the feelings and work through the hurt gets me to the other side much more quickly so I can move on.  I can continue to work on having boundaries to perhaps avoid being bullied in the future.  And I can make sure not to become a bully myself.  In this way, I don’t have to be a victim, but rather can choose to be a victor.

I can’t do a blog in February without a passing nod to Valentine’s Day, which makes this month so hard for so many people.  I certainly used to be one of those people.  There’s a certain mind set that believes there’s nothing worse than not having a Valentine on Valentine’s Day.  But can we pause for a minute, rewind the tape and just acknowledge what a “Hallmark holiday” Valentine’s Day really is, and to also ask does this holiday benefit anyone?

So many different examples to choose from to illustrate the above.  If a person is single and romantically unattached, Valentine’s Day is a day when the message of “I’m alone and what’s wrong with me?” might be hammered home that much more, along with the feelings of sadness and loneliness rejection and abandonment that go along with it.  The whole question of being on one’s own without a romantic partner can be daunting, and on Valentine’s Day, it just stirs up those troubling emotional waters.

For people who are romantically attached but perhaps unhappily, it is the message of “I have made a mistake being with this person.”  And this can be illustrated or determined by what this romantic partner may or may not do to celebrate this holiday.  For example, there may be many people who are consistently neglectful the other 364 days of the year but on Valentine’s Day they  pull out all the romantic stops – dinner ,flowers, gifts, candles, etc.   But does this make up for the rest of the year’s worth of neglect?  Relationships are living breathing things – you can’t just put them in a corner all year long and expect them to be healthy and alive for one day out of the year.

There are people who may know their partner is wanting a romantic gesture for the holiday, but they refuse for whatever reason to comply with or honor this request.  Even though the road to resentments may be paved with expectations, if the person with the expectations makes them known and the romantic partner is unwilling to comply, that brings a whole set of questions to the integrity and honesty and usefulness of the relationship.  I myself was in relationships like that on more than one occasion.  I made my wants known to my romantic partner and these wants were met with comments like “you can’t make me” or “I don’t have to.”  That’s so very hurtful but it made me see there was no long term future with someone who had those kinds of responses to my wants around Valentine’s Day or anything else.  So I stopped getting involved with men who believed that things had to be their way or no way.  A positive message and change can come from a negative experience.

I think the folks who fare best on Valentine’s Day are the ones who realize that their relationship isn’t based on a forced romantic gesture for one day out of the year.  A simple card, or a special dinner prepared at home, or just time spent together can be wonderful on any day.  But it really comes down to the more important idea of a partnership being like that plant I mentioned earlier.  The best partnerships are the ones where all effort seems effortless, and the reason that happens is because each partner appreciates the efforts of the other, and each partner makes it known to the other that the efforts are appreciated.  A simple “thank you” for doing the dishes without being asked, or making the bed, or taking out the trash or sharing whatever are the routine duties of an adult life, sends the message that the willingness to actively participate in that routine adult life is noted and valued.

Back to those of us who are single and not currently involved romantically.  Yes, it’s all about the hearts and flowers and love and kisses and jewelry on television.  And it’s hard to face that alone sometimes.  I certainly had my days this month around that Valentine’s Day time when I was feeling the yearning for someone to be romantic with.  But for me I know it’s not just any someone.  I say all the time I would rather be on my own and be living my own happy and full life than be with a someone who is not right for me.  The right next romance will come when it’s my time for that to happen.  So I honored those yearnings and another Valentine’s Day came and went, and now it’s past and done for another whole year.  Sigh of relief.

 

Sometimes certain friendships seem like romances in terms of how much time and head space I allow them to take up. Throughout my life I’ve had friendships like that, and if/when the friendship comes to an end, it hurts just as much as the end of a romance would.

As a child I struggled with making and keeping friendships. Romances eluded me also. Growing up, I always yearned to have friends and boyfriends but somehow making those connections remained mysterious and unattainable. Instead, I was picked on all throughout primary and secondary schools and didn’t have a serious boyfriend until senior year in college.

Included in this emotional history is my relationship with my mother. I remember coming home from school and telling her about my day. Frequently I would be crying because someone had done something mean to me during the school day. I’m sure it was so hurtful for her to listen to my sad stories and to see me cry. She would comfort me and tell me the other kids were ‘just jealous’ of me. When I got older and so wanted to have romances, she would say “you’ll probably have to wait until the boys become mature enough to be with someone as strong as you.” I can look back on this now and appreciate her words. But I understand I was codependently enmeshed with her as well. In essence, if I had my mother to cry to then what did I need friends or boyfriends for?

Turns out there were more complicated issues underneath the surface of that relationship. My mother didn’t keep friendships either and she too had been picked on as a child. However, I recall her describing close friendships in her childhood, something I can’t necessarily echo from my own growing up experience. Plus, my mother had my father for her romantic life partner for 45 years until his death in 2002. So my mother had a helpmate, life partner, romantic best friend, something I’ve also not had yet. I came to realize she couldn’t relate to my ongoing single life. And I also came to realize my mother in essence was ‘molding’ me as a friend to her. But that shouldn’t have been my role. I figured that out along the way and have continued to work on setting emotional boundaries that make sense for me in terms of my relationship with my mother.

In my adult life I see the similarities between the friendships and romances I’ve had. In both situations I’ve been drawn in by the simple act of someone showing interest in me. The problem is often I don’t stop to consider if this person is someone in a healthy enough place for me to have for a friendship or romance, and I tend to jump in with both feet, because I’m so flattered that someone/anyone would show interest. The echoes of a childhood spent mostly on my own and an adolescent and adult life spent more out of romances than in them has left the self doubt scars of not being sure how people feel about me.

Today I make a conscious effort to be comfortable in my own skin, and to own that my life is contented, peaceful, fulfilled and happy regardless of my friendship and/or romance status. When either a friendship or a romance comes into my life I try to give it the attention and time it deserves but not to get overly consumed to the point where it takes up too much of my head space and leaves me devastated emotionally if/when it ends. I don’t always achieve that successfully, but that’s the goal. Along with that is the understanding or belief that when a friendship or romance ended in my life, it ended because there were new, better and healthier friendships and romances yet to come my way. I feel the loss of each friendship or romance, I take the time to mourn that loss and after a while lo and behold something new and even better enters my life. For me it’s best to always remember a door doesn’t close without a window opening somewhere else. One of those helpful life lessons.

This month I’ve been reflecting about how I sometimes set myself up to become an emotional hostage in my adult relationships.  I’ve also been thinking about where this behavior pattern comes from and I know the answer to that question.  It comes from a childhood spent as an emotional hostage of my mother who was (and still is) an angry, lonely, controlling, manipulative, judgmental narcissist, who said and did mean and hurtful things to me all through my childhood and continues to do and say mean and hurtful things to this day.  Needless to say, she is a difficult person.  I have a favorite phrase that applies to dealing with difficult people: “Whenever you encounter a difficult person, think of that person as an angel with an assignment.”  Each day I work on two things which I think of as my assignments: strengthening the boundaries I need to protect myself from my mother’s harsh words and actions, and healing the wounds that have resulted from this lifetime of being an emotional hostage, and have definitely affected my adult relationships.

I understand that my mother did the best she could with what she had.  Her parents were similar in their affect.  They made many attempts to control my mother’s life throughout her childhood and her entire adult life as well.  My mother’s parents were raging screamers, and they raised my mother in a raging screaming emotionally unhealthy environment.  That’s what was familiar to her, and she wound up doing the same with her own husband and children.  As I grew up I also recognized that I lived in two sides of my head.  One side was the codependent people pleaser who wanted to try to avoid my mother’s raging and withholding disapproval, and the other side was the individual who wanted to not be controlled by someone else especially as I became old enough to make my own decisions.  In so many ways, this was similar to how my mother managed her life.  The difference is I want to have better and healthier boundaries for better and healthier adult relationships, and live a happier life than the one my mother lives.  My mother lives alone and chooses to keep herself isolated while continuing to send raging messages to me and emotionally punishing me with her words and actions.  Some folks get their cardio by going to the gym or hiking or doing something else physically energizing.  My mother seems to get her cardio by keeping the fires of her rage fanned, and often the flames are fanned in my direction.

Where was my father during this you might ask?  I have been asked that many times and realize the answer to that question also.  Any time he tried to help me or be supportive of me, my mother made sure he never heard the end of it for that, and she has a tongue sharper than any rapier when she chooses.  I believe he had to do what he needed to do to protect himself from her rage also, and after all he lived with her and I didn’t.  So I can understand his not wanting to step in to protect me from her rage, because if he did that, the rage would be directed toward him.  As it was, much of her rage was directed toward him anyway.  He learned to protect himself from her as best he could, considering he was , after all, living in the same house with her.  My dad died in 2002, and every once in a while my mother will admit she feels badly that she spent so much time toward the end of his life raging at him.  Occasionally she will apologize for the mean things she does but it is highly unusual and it doesn’t mean she changes her behavior for the better.  Apology means so very little when no behavior change accompanies it.  And I have gratitude for my relationship with my father, who was by far the easier parent to love.  For him, it seemed all I ever needed to do was be his daughter and that was enough.  I’m not saying he wasn’t disappointed in me nor angry with me for things I did.  But I never felt that harsh, judgmental, withholding of love coming from him.  Somehow whatever disagreements or difficulties we had became fewer and fewer as I became an adult.  I believe he believed in me enough to allow me to make my own mistakes and not beat me over the head verbally if and when I did make a mistake.

In my adult life I have often attempted to explain to my mother that I don’t accept her controlling, hurtful, manipulative behaviors.  But then I need to remember I am dealing with a narcissist.  Narcissists are rarely if ever willing to be held accountable for anything they do that might hurt others.  They become defensive and find ways to make anything they do someone’s else’s fault.    I know that no matter what I say nor how I say it, my words will fall on deaf ears and there will be no impact whatsoever nor any change in her behavior toward me.  So today I go back to those boundaries I mentioned above, and try to protect myself from this difficult and dangerous person.

How does this affect my adult relationships?  Let’s begin with romances.  More often than not, I was in romances with men who are controlling, manipulative, distancing, emotionally neglectful narcissists, and I have found myself bending over backwards in attempts to people please for these men, similar to how I would try to people please with my mother.  But then would come a moment when I would recognize how much I was over doing in the relationship and that all of the ‘give’ was coming from me.  At these moments I would realize I was involved with someone who would never show me the love and kindness and acceptance and support and regard and respect and understanding I want in any relationship.  Why was I with men like this over and over?  Because on a visceral level they seemed familiar to me, much in the same way it must have made sense for my mother to raise me as she was raised.  When something is familiar, we don’t stop to consider whether or not familiar is equal to safe.  Many times those two words are not equal at all.  That took me years of hard self work to figure out.  Fortunately I was able to break the pattern of dating narcissists with my most recent romance, which was the best of my life and lasted 5.5 years.  I know now that I am capable of maintaining a healthy romance over an extended period of time.  Having had that once, I know now what to look for again and will not settle for anything less.

I tend to be codependent with friendships too sometimes.  I am flattered when someone wants to be my friend, like a puppy who as long as someone shows it attention it feels loved.  But there are all kinds of attention and not all of it is positive.  There are those people who want to befriend me for what I bring to the friendship.  Here again I need to be careful not to mistake kindness for weakness and vice versa.  I have been in friendships with people who expected me to be their ‘therapist for free’ and while I brought strength and honesty and energy to the friendship, the other person was not capable of doing the same.  I know I can’t expect 50/50 reciprocity in every relationship, but I need to look for balanced people with something more to offer beyond the initial kind word.  Many times I hang my whole heart on that kind word and believe the person who uttered it to be the best person to know.  And just as with romance, many folks are able to put on a ‘best face’ at the beginning of a relationship in order to draw the other person in.  When it comes to sustaining that ‘best face’ there is really nothing beneath it, because the ‘best face’ was nothing more than a facade.  When I realize the ‘best face’ was nothing but a facade, it’s like having an emotional  rug ripped out from under me and I am totally off balance emotionally, unable to believe I was taken in again.

This fallout stems from a childhood of not knowing if or when the next kind word was coming along.  And if kind words did come along, they could be followed with the most vicious ones to replace them within the space of a few moments.  Here’s more of the hostage taking – if I never know where I stand, it’s very easy to be knocked off balance.  In certain relationships – romances and friendships -  I found myself wondering about the other person, planning my activities and time around when that person would be available, and making myself available to accommodate the other person’s schedule.  That’s the sign and signal that I am back to being codependent and am people pleasing to accommodate someone else in order to preserve the relationship.  Not the best situation for me.  I need to remember that my own schedule is the one I should consider first, and that the relationship I have with myself needs to take the first priority.

Someone said to me recently that in order to have a level playing field in any relationship, it’s important to have an investment in who I allow into my life, rather than just taking whatever comes along, like that puppy who so wants to be cared for and loved.   I am grateful to the person who shared that thought with me, and am taking it to heart each day, as I continue to strive toward healthier choices with any type of relationship.

Believe it or not, I have gratitude for my mother as well.  I am grateful she decided to have children and chose to give birth to me and to raise me and make sure I became an independent adult.  I am grateful for everything positive I have learned from her.  I am also grateful even for the negative things about her because I can use those as examples of how I don’t want to be toward other people.  I used to take things out on others in the past as she frequently does.  I know how much this hurts and I have worked hard to change my behavior so I no longer displace my anger.  If I have a hard day, I don’t come home and ‘kick the dog’ so to speak.  Another of my favorite phrases is: “Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean.”  Having grown up with someone mean, I work very hard at honing my verbal delivery and to try to think before I speak.  I don’t always do this as well as I would like, but each day is another opportunity to practice, practice, practice.  And that’s what I get to do with each relationship – friendship or romance.   And when friendships or romances end, I know this means there will be new and perhaps better healthier friendships or romances brought to me to replace them.  Doors never close without windows opening somewhere else, and each new experience is another opportunity to avoid being taken emotionally hostage.  The healing continues daily.

Twice in this past month I received phone calls from two different women who upon finding out I had moved to Colorado asked me if I moved because I “met someone.”  That’s code for did I meet a man in a romantic relationship and did I move because of the man!  These women both have known me quite a few years, though not very well.  But I’m fascinated by this thought process or assumption.  It’s such old school style thinking, but on the other hand, both of these women chose to be at home wives and mothers primarily, even though they both had thriving careers at which they were highly skilled.  I guess I understand where that question is coming from.  Even still, it seems myopic to me that someone would think it unfathomable for a woman to make the choice on her own to relocate to a new place, not basing that decision on a romantic relationship in any way.

And speaking of letting romantic relationships drive the bus of life, I need both fingers and toes to count the number of times I allowed my thinking about my own life to be driven by what man I was romantically involved with at the time.  And I can also count the number of times when that kind of thinking led to distraction, disappointment, and derailment, hence the title of this blog entry.  How often was I so wrapped up in what was going on in my romantic life (and not necessarily in a good way) that I completely put my own dreams, thoughts and personal goals to the side or let go of them altogether in wondering what would happen with the current man in my life?

When I graduated from college I was in my first serious romantic relationship.  At the time I didn’t want to move away from where I’d gone to college, but the only job offer worth taking was in New York City.  My boyfriend was in Philadelphia.  But I went anyway, and took the job, which turned out disastrously.  My boyfriend and I tried to make the long distance thing work for a while, but it didn’t last.  In looking back, I realized that first serious relationship was one of the two best of my life to date.  How was I so easily able to walk away from him, when it became so difficult for me to do that with so many others for years following?  Something to consider and wonder about.  I believe I chalked it up to the naive belief that if this guy was so great and he was my first serious one, the ones who would follow him would be even better.  So NOT true!

Other memories float up of different men at different times.  There was a man in my life when I was seriously thinking about graduate school.  I put off applying to graduate school for several semesters while I waited to see what would happen with this man.  He was trying to get into a landscape architecture school in Virginia and he had proposed, so I must have thought why bother applying until I know what’s going to happen with us?  Well, he and I crashed and burned and I wound up going to graduate school in my chosen profession.

As I was finishing graduate school, there was another significant man in my life, who also talked about marriage with me quite frequently.  He too was finishing graduate school and wanted to move to Canada where I knew it would be difficult for me to find a job in my chosen endeavor.  When I suggested a compromise, he insisted on couples therapy, in which I found out that if I were to marry this man it would be his way or no way, period.  Well, that didn’t work for me so needless to say we ended.  This man chose to move away – ironically NOT to Canada, but to Chicago where he got a job.  And I heard through the grapevine that about six months after we broke up he became engaged to someone.  Guess I was just ‘practice’ for him and I learned the heartbreakingly hard way that was never serious about marrying me.

Another time I was with someone briefly who lived an hour away from me and I was in the process of finding a larger condo to purchase.  I actually considered moving to be near him, thinking once again that he was the “ONE” for me.  Needless to say, he wasn’t.  End of story.

A major heartbreak comes to mind with a man who from the first day we met was all about ‘when we get married’ conversations.  He lived in a huge custom home chock full of his ‘man toys’ – collections of all kinds, a home theater, closets galore filled with his ‘stuff’ – floor to ceiling built in bookshelves.  It was like living in a three ring circus museum.  The only problem?  No room for me or any of my things or identity, for all that this man constantly talked marriage to me.  For two and a half years.  And again, I put my life and dreams and plans on hold, waiting for this man to officially propose with the diamond he had shown me that was a family heirloom.  He even had our parents meet each other. Who does that without being serious about sealing the deal?  Yeah, I know – THIS guy!  I still hadn’t been taught the lesson clearly enough and was required to go through this additional heartbreak, this one the most painful of all.

Clearly there is a repeated pattern here – one where I jettison my own life over the side when a man comes prancing down the road.  With each ended romance I needed to go back and pick up the pieces of my own life that I’d strewn by the side of the road, in my hasty belief that marriage was “supposed to” be my “goal.”

A long time and many romantic relationships later, I have learned not to let go of the threads of my own life just because a romance comes my way.  It’s been my experience that my life continues forward as I remain single (as in never married), and the forward journey needs to be the one I chart for myself.  Today I’m about the journey, not the destination and I know better than to believe marriage is like some mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  If marriage happens for me, fantastic.  But not at the expense of my own interesting, full and exciting life.

A final note.  In my most recent romance, which lasted 5.5 years, and with a lovely, kind, caring, intelligent and special man, I learned NOT to put anyone’s life ahead of my own.  I was in a transition stage in my career where I was starting my own practice and working for myself which was so exciting.  I had my own radio show.  I was living in a nice home.  The man I was involved with had an appreciation and acceptance for my work, my life, my goals, my plans, etc.  We had a very good 5.5 years together.  From time to time I thought about moving to a place closer to where he lived, and I even looked at places.  Here again, I was almost going to give up an important part of my own life, which had to do with my location and residence.  But this time once I realized there was no ‘give’ coming from his side, I dropped the idea, knowing that I needed to maintain the boundary that makes my life work, both professionally and personally.  As it happened, we wound up ending.  The romance ran its course, and we parted ways.  So there’s another not ‘meant to be’ romance, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

The point is I take the life I’m given and live it to the fullest.  The direction is forward, with some stops along the way, but now the train stays on the track, and there are many interesting adventures to fill the days.  Will keep you posted.

So how do I get past the whole wanting to be married thing? I don’t. Hence, the above sub heading for this blog entry. I don’t think I’ve ever let go of the belief that someday, someday, someday……..

Maybe that’s just the way I’m emotionally hard-wired. In spite of my cynical side, or my critical side, or my ‘who needs this?’ side, I still have that age-old belief. It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and sometimes it’s a very strong yearning/lonely feeling. Ironically this usually means that I’ve just been disappointed by a man in some way. And usually it’s not at the end of big romantic relationships that had some significant impact on my life. It’s more often when there might have been a possibility of someone new and then it turned out to be not at all what I want or need, but rather just a big waste of time and emotional head space. Sigh……

But the yearning continues. I am a romantic, and always have been. And by that I don’t mean the big gestures, like flowers and candles and limos and fancy vacations. Those are all nice too, but it’s the simple things that I also enjoy that are romantic. Holding hands with that special someone is romantic. A simple touch from the special someone is romantic. Doing everyday things together is romantic. It all depends on the person I’m with and what meaning he has in my life.

The thing I struggle with sometimes is being patient, especially after one of those “nope, not this one either” things goes away. I believe (here’s the hope springs eternal part) that there is at least one pretty terrific someone out there for me for that someday thing. I just get tired sometimes of being patient and I want to give up on the whole thing. Then that yearning comes back to remind me that so much of me would like to be in a romance with someone.

So I believe the yearning is a reminder that my romantic heart is alive and well and is capable of resilience. I can and have started over with new romances. I have allowed my feelings to guide my life. I have been able to keep my heart open to the possible and I continue to do just that. It’s a challenge at times, but I know I learn so much from every romance, every possibility, no matter how fleeting.

Sometimes I learn more about what I don’t want. For example, I have learned through trial and error not to fall for someone’s ‘potential’ but rather see the person for who they are. I have worked hard on being a person who brings quality and quantity to the table of life. For me, someone without this same quality and quantity would not be right for me. I have also learned not to be in romances with men who should be clients, not boyfriends. If I find myself doing all of the listening and they know nothing about me while I know everything about them, well, now I’m just being someone’s ‘therapist for free.’ That one takes practice and constant vigilance.

So what do I want today? Someone with the basics – residence, vehicle, employment of some kind. An ability to reciprocate grace and generosity. A sense of the wider world. Self awareness, and the understanding that we are always ‘works in progress.’ An appreciation for who I am, and for what I do. A curiosity and willingness to be open to new experiences.  The ability to share feelings and accept/embrace the importance of the emotional aspects of a romantic relationship. Willingness to be a partner in multiple dimensions, from things like if one of us cooks then the other cleans up to having each other’s back when the occasion calls for it.

Today I know the intangibles of any relationship are really what matters. I can’t put my finger of specifics all the time, but I know the best relationships have been the ones where words and gestures were equally important and both were authentic, genuine, reciprocated and heartfelt. Where life experience was the greatest teacher and both of us were aware of that. Where mutual understanding and always respect for each other were the automatic order of the day. I know when that’s meant to happen in my life again in a romantic relationship, it will be worth the wait. Meanwhile, hope springs eternal in my Cinderella heart. Stay tuned.

　

I am single, as in single, never married. For me, it’s not “still single” or “sad because I’m single” or “wish I weren’t single.” I’m single – that’s what I check in the box under marital status when I have to fill out a form at a doctor’s visit or elsewhere. Sometimes I hear people say “happily single.” I don’t know if that is what I think – assigning a feeling to a marital status. I think I prefer to keep it simple. I’m single, never married. Yet.

Unfortunately, my marital status is burdened with some of the following definitions or nicknames – old maid, spinster, desperate, dried up, unworthy, undesirable. Quite a list of negative descriptors, don’t you think? Yeah, me too. Fortunately and finally I don’t see myself in any of those terms. Believe me, this was not an overnight evolvement, but rather it is an ongoing process. In this case, the journey and the destination are one and the same.

From as early on as I can remember, I always wanted a boyfriend. I always thought I would be married someday. It’s those fairy stories I have written about in other articles – the ones the whole world tells mostly (if not only) to little girls. The handsome prince will come along on a white horse, and either slay the dragon or kiss the girl or whatever, and then he will propose marriage and off they will ride together. Cue the music, fade to black, happy ending, all tied up with a pretty bow. That’s what I thought I was supposed to want. Always. Sometimes I still do want that, other days not so much. But there were many times in prior chapters of my life when I felt desperate about being married, and was unbelievably sad about continuing the single journey in the world. I always wondered how it was happening over and over – the girl who always wanted the handsome prince was continually ending up on her own.

The word “alone” does not mean the same as the word “lonely,” yet so often I’ll hear people use the one to mean the other. Alone is a state of being, lonely is a powerful feeling. Speaking for myself, I can report being contented and comfortable at times of being alone, and I have felt achingly, desperately heart-wrenchingly lonely at times of being surrounded by other people. Have you ever been in a situation – a party, dance, group outing of some kind – and felt that feeling? You know the one, the one where people are all around, but you have that sense that nobody is really seeing you, as if you’re invisible? It’s a pretty hard sensation to deal with, but that’s what it’s like to feel lonely in a crowd.

It’s also a powerful feeling to feel lonely within a romantic relationship. It can be a painful awakening – the person to whom one is devoted, committed, perhaps even married – may not be someone with whom one feels valued, connected, appreciated, loved. Sometimes with this realization, there is an opportunity to galvanize the painful feelings into action. There are choices to consider. The person might choose counseling, either on his/her own or with the romantic partner, to explore the lonely feelings and find some resolution. The person might choose to end the romantic relationship, which can be devastating but might be liberating as well. I saw an article years ago about a group for divorced women. One of the quotes in the article that resonated with me talked about how when you’re single and lonely, each tomorrow might bring a different day. But if you’re married and you’re lonely or unhappy, each tomorrow is the same day. That’s a desolate landscape for sure.

There are other times when I’m by myself, and it seems as if I’m completely alone on the planet. Sometimes I’m hiking in the woods, or skiing down a slope. Sometimes I’m driving in my car early in the morning, or sitting in my house in total quiet (no tv, no music, just the usual noises a house makes like creaking floors, or the sound of the heater clicking on). And in those moments of alone, I’m not necessarily feeling at all lonely. I am content, satisfied, comfortable in my own skin. Those are happy moments, and moments when I’m grateful for my own solitude.

So life on life’s terms in spite of myself is about realizing my life continues to move forward, and it’s a positive, fulfilling, empowered, worthwhile, very contented life. Do I have my sad days? Absolutely. Do I have my difficult moments around romance? Without a doubt. From the day to day perspective, my life has meaning, purpose, and positive direction forward. For that I’m grateful, and will continue this journey one day at a time. More to come.