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Body, Mind and Balance

Balancing your Physical and Emotional
well-being for better health!

Articles by Valerie Shinbaum

Alone vs. Lonely - Fact vs. Feeling - Learning, Living and Loving the Difference

One is a state of being - there are many points in a lifetime when a person is alone. The other is a feeling, one of the ones with which we’re hard wired from birth. So why is it so hard for us to acknowledge and accept the difference? Because even the word lonely is something people don’t want to say. Even the word alone brings up painful or hurtful memories and old emotional wounds. Yet one word doesn’t always lead to the other. The two are totally different concepts and often have nothing to do with one another. Read more...


Available But Not Acceptable - Sticking to Standards and Dealing with Feelings

My most recent romantic relationship was one of the two best of my dating life so far. The relationship lasted over five years and it was not a difficult breakup in terms of parting. One phone call to say goodbye, a final “I love you” and that was it. Of course there was sadness, as there always is with any ending of any relationship - be it romance, friendship, or other loss. I was definitely vulnerable, somewhat cynical about romance and men, spending time reconnecting with myself and the way my world looks when I am on my own.  Read more...


Awareness + Intent = Action! Living Life, Facing Feelings, Staying in the Moment

Someone I know refers to herself as a ‘woman of action’ and I admire her for using this phrase. Just hearing her say it out loud inspires me. It’s a simple phrase, and eloquent too. It sums up the way someone makes the choice to live a life with intent, staying in the moment, feeling the feelings, and focusing on the needs of self in order to have more to give to others. It’s the concept of balance in a nutshell. In a life lived with this approach, time is no longer an enemy, but rather a gift. Each day above ground is another day to appreciate the moments one at a time, living each one with intent. Read more...


California Dreamin’ - A Getaway From “Type A” - Change of Scene can Change an Attitude

Sometimes I wish I lived in Western Europe where they have a much more reasonable approach to a balanced life. The French say joie de vivre, which is ‘joy of living’ literally translated. My thoughts exactly - what else is balance all about? They are different from Americans in lots of ways, but one of their key differences is they actually choose to schedule regular time off every year. Of course I’m happy to live in the US for many reasons. But on that one point, Europeans really get it. They know how important it is to step away, to take a break, to plan for a time out. Read more...



Change - Seasons, Moods, Outlooks - LIFE!

Change always excites me! I enjoy change in my life, and feel a little stale when I’m doing the same thing all the time. I have changed colleges, residences, clothing styles, friendships, employment settings, romantic relationships, furniture, career directions. There is not much in my life that hasn’t undergone change. And here’s the reality - we are always encountering changes. In fact, the one thing that’s constant in our lives is just that - CHANGE!! Read more...



Coming Around the Corner

That’s what my mom used to say all the time when I lamented to her about being single and being old and being single and being older and being single and why wasn’t the right man coming along to marry me? At one point or another during our endless conversations about this topic, my mom would say, “You never know who might be coming around the corner.” It was her way of letting me know that the right man would present himself when that was meant to happen, and it would probably be when I least expected it, in the most unlikely place, and when I wasn’t really paying attention to “finding” someone with whom to have a permanent romantic partnership. Read more...


Coming Out of the Coma - What Happens When Women “Wake Up?”

If you’ve seen the film “The Stepford Wives,” you know the kind of woman I’m talking about. She’s going through the motions of her life in a robotic way. True, the film was meant to be science fiction, but there are too many real-life women who go through the motions of their lives in that automatic “asleep at the wheel” kind of mode. You know the ones - they are the women whose intention, almost from the moment they are born female, is to find a man to marry and be an at-home mother with the 2.5 kids and the dog and the white picket fence and the minivan with the soccer ball sticker on the back. Read more...


Creativity and Control - The Fine Line Between Help and Harm
(with a nod to Shaw’s “Pygmalion” or “My Fair Lady”)

As mental health practitioners, therapists, healers, counselors, spiritual guides - whatever you choose to call yourself - we “create,” in that we are working to “create” individuals who emerge from the creative process of psychotherapy with overall improved mental health. Our clients come to us for help, both willingly and unwillingly. They have a set of problems that are part of their bodily and emotional makeup. In terms of creativity, our clients are like blank canvas on which we are expected to paint, or they can be thought of as blocks of stone, on which we are expected to sculpt. Our “completed creations” are our clients themselves. Read more...


Creativity and Couples - Using Movie Messages in Marital Treatment

I believe in marriage, as an institution, as a concept, as a lifestyle choice. I think lasting lifelong marriage between two people is possible, even in this time where one of two marriages ends in divorce. Not great odds, to be sure. But as long as there are humans on the planet, there will be people with the biological drive to connect emotionally and intimately and want to share that connection in the same household. And for many of those humans, that means marriage, with all of its messiness and drudgery, the routine, the boredom, and the taking for granted of each other. Read more...


End The Excuses and Stop Apologizing!

I’m sure I haven’t heard them all, but I’ve certainly heard lots of them. And they go together, don’t they? I’m talking about the whole “I’m sorry I’m late, but I have an excuse,” type of statements from people. Think of how much time we waste throughout our lives when it would be just as easy to say “I made a mistake;” “It’s my fault for being late;” or “I take responsibility.” So why aren’t we willing to own that for ourselves? Read more...


Family Folklore - Keeping the Stories Alive/Benefits of the Lessons Learned

I am glad to know some of my family’s folklore - stories of their experiences as they emigrated from different parts of Eastern Europe and came to the US in the early 1900's. What I admire most is the ability of my immigrant ancestors to leave their old lives behind and come to a place where they didn’t speak the language, didn’t know what they would do for work or housing, yet they were able to start over, make a living for themselves and grow to prosper in this new country they adopted. I have visited Ellis Island and have seen the names of my family members on the wall commemorating them. I stood in Ellis Island’s large main room and as I looked around, I imagined what it must have been like for them to stand there waiting to be admitted to America. These stories of risk and courage and determination are inspiration for me as I continue on my journey. I am grateful to these people who came before me, and for the lessons taught by the stories that are applicable to my life today. Read more...


Fear-Filled or Forward-Facing? The Choice Is Ours!

Let me start by saying I have things to fear all the time. I don’t like to fly on planes, and usually the week before I take a plane trip anywhere I have anxiety-filled dreams at night. But I like to visit other places, so I push myself to make my plans to fly and go ahead anyway. When I go for a bicycle ride, there is the possibility that I’ll fall off the bike and hurt myself. In fact that’s happened once or twice, and the road isn’t very forgiving, let me tell you! But road rash heals, fortunately, and the falls I took have taught me to use more caution when riding with a group. In my work life there are fears also. I work for myself, and I’m in a service business, so while I’m serving my current clients, I need to also be thinking about ways to cultivate new business. And sometimes even when client relationships seem to be working positively, they may decide they don’t want to work with me and take their business elsewhere, so there is always the risk that clients will leave. And these are just a few of the many fears in my daily life that could become emotionally overwhelming if I allow myself to go there. Read more...


“Foodie” Tribute - Thinking of and Thankful for the Memories

In my life history there are many wonderful food memories so resonant that my mouth waters just thinking about them. Something as simple as the cooking from my childhood - where should I start? Sigh..... When I was little my mom’s parents lived in New York City. We visited them frequently, and there were certain food things that we always had when at their apartment. The best were the homemade items, though there were one or two bought things that made me do the happy dance too. Read more...


Forget the “Rules” and Live in the Real! - Shattering the Marriage “Myths”
Does Carrie Bradshaw’s way make sense? The Messages from “Sex and the City”

It’s summer, long considered the “traditional” season for weddings. But do we really want to continue to buy into the old fairy tales we all heard growing up? Seems like women keep expecting to find the handsome rich prince who will come along on this century’s version of the white horse (expensive late model car) and they’ll jump in (on the passenger side of course, because the guy isn’t likely to let you drive his car) and off they’ll ride into the sunset and “happily ever after.” Right away that scenario provides one of many reasons for the high divorce rate in this country. Then again, look at the messages our popular culture keeps putting out there for women. Difficult to escape, especially in this summer of the latest “Sex and The City” revisit - the film version. Read more...


Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Never!

I’m not sure I understand why people are so quick to use the phrase, “forgive and forget.” For starters, when do we ever forget anything? We might not remember everything completely or accurately, but certainly we have long memories and it seems even more so when it comes to harm done to us by others. And what does forgiveness mean anyway? If we’re talking about moving on, I think it becomes more about acceptance. Then we have a choice to make around whatever it was a person did that harmed us, and whether or not we choose to continue allowing that person into our lives. Sometimes the nature of the relationship with that person might not even need to include forgiveness. Read more...


Fostering Friendships - Old, New, Near and Far - Building and Maintaining our Family of Choice

Each of us has a family of origin. We all come from somewhere, or more specifically, a group of people to whom we are connected by DNA. We had no choice when the family of origin assignments were handed out. Our parents decide to have children, we turned out to be those children, end of story. Many of us have families of creation - the people with whom we live as adults in marriage and children relationships. There is some choice involved in those relationships. Hopefully we choose a romantic partner who not only is a supportive and accepting life and love mate, but also is an equal in the lifetime child-rearing responsibilities. In this family of creation, there can still be overtones - echoes of the way things were done in our origin families - influencing how we manage those relationships. Read more...


Fully, Firmly, Finally Focused!

I don’t listen to music in the car very often any more, because I prefer not to be distracted from whatever I’m thinking about. I seek out quiet places in my busy world, so I can tune in to my thoughts. At home, I don’t always turn on the television or the stereo - I enjoy the quiet moments to sit and think. These changes in my life are fairly recent, and as I’ve made them I’m aware of having much more strength and energy and motivation from choosing to be with my thoughts in a distraction-free environment as often as possible. It’s exhilarating to be in this place in my life. I’m open to new things in terms of work, relationships, personal growth - it’s all there and so is the balance that naturally comes out of this place. Yes, it sounds “new age” to me too, and I’m enjoying every minute of being fully, firmly, finally focused! And there is room for everything else and everyone else - much more so than ever before in my life. Read more...


Getting to the Goals - The Journey of Setting Them and Getting Them

Dream big. That’s what I tell my students and clients whenever I do a “goals list” exercise in a class or a session. I do this continually in my own life as I achieve goals I’ve set and add new ones to my list. Recently I’ve had some standout experiences in terms of goal getting. These “gotten goals” were on my list for as long as I can remember. But more about that later on. Read more...


Go Take A Hike!

I prefer exercising outdoors whenever possible, and am frequently on local trails in almost all kinds of weather. In the past though, I stayed on paved or well-maintained gravel paths rather than striking out off trail into more rugged hiking terrain. A recent trip to the Southwest changed my mind. While there I did some hiking on varied types of terrain. What a difference it is to get away from the paved-path mentality and really get into the landscape, and how much I’m enjoying it, with more to look forward to as the seasons begin to change. Read more...



Heroes In My Life - Influence, Inspiration, and Motivation for my Aspirations

My heroes come in all shapes and sizes, children and adults, men and women, real and fictional. I’m blessed to know some of the real ones on a personal level. A recent lunch with three of my living heroes inspired this article. Spending time with them started my creative wheels spinning as I thought of the value heroes bring to my life. Please visit the Photos section of our website to see a picture of my recent heroes lunch. Read more...



I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just Crying! The Facts About Feelings

At a recent group discussion I mentioned the five basic feelings we all have hard wired within us - angry, sad, lonely, scared, happy. Then the verbal volleyball match began as people debated about how we need to include this or that derivative of the same basic five. Like saying rage is different from anger, for example. No, it’s not. Or grief is different from sadness. No, it’s not. Strip away the excess verbiage and we go back to the basic five feelings every single time - angry, sad, lonely, scared, happy. Read more...


Looking Forward To Looking Back - Year End Reflections

That title is actually a line from a Carly Simon song, and it sums up how I feel at each year’s end. Others may be doing the usual “stress about the holidays” song and dance, others may believe in making New Year’s Resolutions. I prefer to take a glance backward over a year gone by and think about everything that happened in my life. I especially like to review my year in terms of accomplishments. I don’t need to share with you the specific details of any given year, because I’m not trying to sound too much like those “newsletter of our year” mailings that some people include with their holiday seasonal cards. I would rather share with you that each year’s overall successes for me far outweigh any setbacks that come my way. Any time I’m able to say that at the end of a year, well, that’s the good stuff. I think about the year in terms of feelings too. So much of the work I do is about encouraging, supporting, validating, celebrating others, with the hoped-for result of feeling happy. So when the year’s end comes, I tally up my feelings inventory. Read more...


Out On Our Own - The Risks and Rewards of Self-Employment

Maybe genetics played a part - family members on both sides of the tree are or were self-employed, and this goes back several generations. Maybe it was the kinds of bosses I kept encountering in job after job after job over the years. Maybe it was always knowing it made more sense for me to find ways to earn money on my terms vs. someone else’s. Maybe it was admitting I’m not really the “corporate type,” because I’m not really a “fitting in under any and all circumstances” kind of person. Or it could be a combination of these reasons and a thousand more. Regardless of the idea’s origin, I think I always knew that at some point in my work life I would be the most content and fulfilled if I earned a living working on my own. Read more...


Reinvention:
How do we go from who we thought we were “supposed to” be to who we want to become today and in the future?

As I live my life, I reflect on how each decade seems better than the one prior. I have heard many people say they wish they could go back to a certain age, because that was a better time than now. But I’m of the opposite mind. In my life, each year unfolds and turns out better than the one before it, and things in my life get better as I get older. Read more...


Success Without Stress? Yes!

How do we define the word “success?” Put 10 people in a room and ask them that question, and I’m sure they’ll come up with many more than 10 answers, because that word means so many different things to so many different people. Read more...


Surviving or Thriving? One is a Given, the Other a Gift

Not long ago, I gave a presentation at a continuing education conference in Hawaii, a place I had not been before but was interested to visit. An added bonus was meeting and spending time with another of the conference speakers and learning that she was a Partisan hiding from the Nazis in a forest in Eastern Europe during World War II. Her story was indeed an inspiration, as it is not only about her survival, but also about her choice to joyously thrive today, even after all of the tragedies she has faced throughout her life. Her topic at the conference was about resilience in the face of adversity and how she brings that to her work with her clients. Read more...


The Longest Sentence You’ll Ever Need to Learn to Say and Mindful Mini-Breaks

Two Helpful Holiday Hints To Use All Year Long. The years go by faster and faster, don’t they? And the stressors can pile up more and more each year, can’t they? So many folks I talk to say they don’t look forward to the year end holiday time, in fact the word “dread” is sometimes mentioned.But it doesn’t have to be a dreaded time of year, and it’s up to each of us to do what we need to for self care. And that’s the key word right there, did you catch it in the last sentence?Yes, it’s the word “self.” So much is written about the self and related topics to the self - self-esteem, self-concept, self-awareness. We think about and work to improve these self items, the better to navigate through our sometimes difficult and overwhelming lives. Yet out of the word “self” comes the word “selfish” and that word gets a lot of bad press, much of it undeserved. Read more...


The Treats of Travel

I’ve mentioned before I’m not the greatest one for flying, but I get on planes anyway because I love to travel. I don’t know if it’s the kind of books I enjoyed as a child, or movies I watched, or having grandparents who went to lots of places and brought back interesting items and photos, or hearing stories from people who lived or studied abroad. But I’ve had a yearning for the wider world since I was pretty young, and have always known that staying in one place all the time and never going out to see what else is there doesn’t work for me. Read more...


 

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